(This is my first time editing an essay here as well! =)
You switch between using Jim Thorpe's first and last names: you should probably try to stick to one after you introduce your subject.
When he walked past the track and beat the school's high jumpers with an impromptu 5-ft 9-in jump while still wearing street clothes.
That is a sentence fragment--you have a dependent clause that is lonely because it does not have a clause to help it =)
You can delete "when" and/or add a comma followed by an independent clause that adds detail to the whole sentence.
It was the 1912 Olympic game Jim wrote his legend.
Rewrite this for better flow. Something like "Jim wrote his legend in the 1912 Olympic game" or "The 1912 Olympic Game was the setting for the beginning of Jim's legend." Be creative! : )
In the game, he won
pentathlon and decathlon game.
the decathlon, his record
of 8,413 points stood for nearly two decades--
even converts to 6564 points on the current tables.This is
still a very respectable score
The simply and honestly reply didn't like the one will be standing on the ceremony which great success can bring.
Are you trying to say that the reply did not sound
like one which would come from someone with such great success? I had some trouble understanding that line.
If many repellent human traits surfaced during a tragedy, that tragedy
be absorbing and worth profoundly considering.
I like this idea!
Thorpe's story was one of these tragedies.
At that time the player should have been an
according to the Olympic rule.While
Thorpe had indeed played professional baseball,
what other college men had
except that they did not use their own namesUnlike the other gentlemen, however, Thorpe used his real name
Not for the first or last time
Try to be a bit more clear or concise here.
a sports organization stuck to the letter, not the spirit, of the
lawThorpe succeededAs the United States was rife with racism during that era
, he failed in enjoying real American freedoms.
Failed seems a bit strong, but I do not know enough to make a judgement call! ^^
One person with Such strong contrast succeed and fail , that fetches me deeply, if I can talk to him ,I would like to know his view of his life and let him know the IOC had acknowledged that they had erred, and declared you are co-champion.Being a person with such a strong contrast between success and failure, Thorpe deeply fetches me
(I do not know if you still want to use that verb, I merely rearranged the sentence)If I could talk to him
declared you are co-champion.
You probably should not switch to first person at the end of the essay; try to stay consistent with your narration throughout.