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I would like to meet Jim Thorpe, the 1912 Olympic Gold Medal winner.


rmli 7 / 10  
Jul 21, 2010   #1
please help to make it better.
thanks
Ruo Ming

If I were afforded the opportunity to meet a famous athlete, I would like to meet Jim Thorpe, the 1912 Olympic Gold Medal winner, whose medal was striped soon after the game, and an Indian athlete, whose ancestry eventually lead to poverty and alcoholism.

About Jim, one of his attractive was his sport talent and achievement; Jim had shown his outstanding sport talent in the Indian Carlisle School. When he walked past the track and beat the school's high jumpers with an impromptu 5-ft 9-in jump while still wearing street clothes. It was the 1912 Olympic game Jim wrote his legend. In the game, he won the both of pentathlon and decathlon game, and in the decathlon , his recorded of 8,413 points stood for nearly two decades, even converts to 6564 points on the current tables, still a very respectable score a nearly century later.

His answer to the King of Sweden also impressed me deeply. When awarding Thorpe his prize for his win in decathlon in 1912 Olympic game, King Gustav said, "You, sir, are the greatest athlete in the world," to which he replied, "Thanks, King". The simply and honestly reply didn't like the one will be standing on the ceremony which great success can bring.

If many repellent human traits surfaced during a tragedy, that tragedy will be absorbing and worth profoundly considering. Thorpe's story was one. In early 1913, U.S. newspapers found and announced that Thorpe had played professional baseball. At that time the player should be amateur status according to the Olympic rule. Thorpe had indeed played professional baseball, what he was done what other college men had done, except that they did not use their own names. Not for the first or last time, a sports organization stuck to the letter not the spirit of the law. The International Olympic Committee (IOC) demanded its medals back.

From a disadvantaged child to the greatest athlete of the first half of the 20th century, Thorpe's succeeded. As in that age racism was rife in the United States, he failed in enjoying real American freedoms. One person with Such strong contrast succeed and fail , that fetches me deeply, if I can talk to him ,I would like to know his view of his life and let him know the IOC had acknowledged that they had erred, and declared you are co-champion.

Day 1 / 4  
Jul 21, 2010   #2
Hi everyone, i'm a newbie. uhm, this is the first time i comment on another's writing, maybe it's not perfect. Hoping to hear your ideas too! Thank you ^^!

About Jim, one of his attractions was his talent and achievement in sport

The simple and honest reply didn't sound like belonging to the one standing on the ceremony to which great success brought.

Thorpe had indeed played professional baseball, what he did is similar to what other college men had done, except that they did not use their own names. Not for the first or last time, a sports organization stuck to the letter of the law but not the spirit .

To rmli, i really like your nice work, it is very interesting! ;))
OP rmli 7 / 10  
Jul 22, 2010   #3
to Day, thanks.

you may be interesting with following reference :

danielnpaul.com/JimThorpe.html
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Thorpe
sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2004/olympics/2004/08/08/bc.olympics.athletics.thorpe/
Yayz 10 / 121  
Jul 22, 2010   #4
(This is my first time editing an essay here as well! =)

You switch between using Jim Thorpe's first and last names: you should probably try to stick to one after you introduce your subject.

When he walked past the track and beat the school's high jumpers with an impromptu 5-ft 9-in jump while still wearing street clothes.

That is a sentence fragment--you have a dependent clause that is lonely because it does not have a clause to help it =)
You can delete "when" and/or add a comma followed by an independent clause that adds detail to the whole sentence.

It was the 1912 Olympic game Jim wrote his legend.

Rewrite this for better flow. Something like "Jim wrote his legend in the 1912 Olympic game" or "The 1912 Olympic Game was the setting for the beginning of Jim's legend." Be creative! : )

In the game, he won the both ofthe pentathlon and decathlon game.andIn the decathlon, his recorded of 8,413 points stood for nearly two decades-- even converts to 6564 points on the current tables.This is still a very respectable score a nearly a century later.

The simply and honestly reply didn't like the one will be standing on the ceremony which great success can bring.

Are you trying to say that the reply did not sound like one which would come from someone with such great success? I had some trouble understanding that line.

If many repellent human traits surfaced during a tragedy, that tragedy willwould be absorbing and worth profoundly considering.
I like this idea!

Thorpe's story was one of these tragedies.

At that time the player should have been anbe amateur status according to the Olympic rule.

While Thorpe had indeed played professional baseball, what he was donedid what other college men had done .except that they did not use their own namesUnlike the other gentlemen, however, Thorpe used his real name .

Not for the first or last time

Try to be a bit more clear or concise here.

a sports organization stuck to the letter, not the spirit, of the law

Thorpe succeeded

As the United States was rife with racism during that era , he failed in enjoying real American freedoms.
Failed seems a bit strong, but I do not know enough to make a judgement call! ^^

One person with Such strong contrast succeed and fail , that fetches me deeply, if I can talk to him ,I would like to know his view of his life and let him know the IOC had acknowledged that they had erred, and declared you are co-champion.

Being a person with such a strong contrast between success and failure, Thorpe deeply fetches me (I do not know if you still want to use that verb, I merely rearranged the sentence)

If I could talk to him

declared you are co-champion.

You probably should not switch to first person at the end of the essay; try to stay consistent with your narration throughout.

=)


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