Car Pollutants problem
TOPIC: THE INCREASE OF CARS IS POLLUTING THE EARTH AND IS DETRIMENTAL TO HUMAN HEALTH. THEREFORE, WE SHOULD STOP USING CARS SO AS TO MAKE US HEALTHIER. DO YOU AGREE?
Across the globe, the overuse of cars is causing environmental problems which are directly harmful to people's health, while there are some opinions clamming that we should stop using cars to improve people's health. From my perspective, this is not a good way due to some reasons.
As awareness of protecting the environment is on the rise, we often regard the exhaust gas emitted by cars as the culprit of air pollution. What we must focus on, however, is the unscrupulous factories and the lack of environmental policies. For instance, factory emissions contribute greatly to the release of harmful fumes such as carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, which not only reduces air quality but also brings the acid rain that will affect ocean ecology. That is to say, the ban on those factories should be prioritized in order to keep air pollution at bay.
It is also noteworthy that if we limit the use of cars, those who need to drive to work, because they have to spend more time commuting such as taking train or bus, will appear less energetic at work, meaning that it is likely to cause a decline in the productivity of the company or even the country. In other words, to achieve a balance between economy and environment, what we should do is to reduce car usage instead of prohibiting the use of cars.
All in all, although the environment has become worse, we cannot limit the use of cars since it will thus affect the national economy. Moreover, there are other ways to improve air pollution such as banning the factories that emit toxic fumes.
TOTAL WORDS: 271
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15393 This is a pretty effective discussion. You show that you have a clear understanding of the discussion topic and instructions. However, you gave a personal opinion that was not required in the prompt. The following was not required by the discussion instruction:
That is to say, the ban on those factories should be prioritized in order to keep air pollution at bay.
When you add information like that, you are required to build that topic up as a separate topic sentence in a new paragraph. Since it is not a discussion topic from the original prompt, it is going to alter the total discussion and will cause the examiner to reduce your score because you have included an unnecessary topic. It will be counted against your word actual word count and, if it covers enough words, will result in point deductions related to your essay not falling under the minimum word count. Always avoid including topics that will end up changing the discussion slant.
Your third paragraph is good but hard to follow. You forgot to divide your presentation into sentence ideas. The paragraph ended up being a severely long sentence, a run-on sentence. This error in sentence formation and thought presentation will result in a reduction of your GRA score as well. So you now have 2 considerable problems in your presentation, both of which will affect your final score. Having pointed these out to you should make it easier for your to avoid these problems in the future.
The concluding paragraph needs to properly restate your discussion points from the earlier paragraphs. The concluding summary should prove to the examiner that you are capable of summarizing your own thoughts, and integrating it into a presentation that includes the original prompt discussion. This must be done between 3-5 sentences. Accomplish that and you will be able to increase your TA score.