The line chart compares the data of package delivery distributed by two delivery service companies

Mar 6, 2017 #1

IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - PARCELS DELIVERED BY FedEx and TNT MAIL SERVICES

FedEx vs TNT MAIL SERVICES

The line chart compares the data of package delivery distributed by two delivery service companies between 1920 and 2000. Overall, it is noticeable that both lines experience an upward trend. However, although FedEx was the most popular mail service at first, it was replaced by TNT through the end of the survey.

In the first year, the highest came to FedEx with 15.000 parcels while TNT only a quarter of it. Both companies then experienced a growth in the following twenty years, yet the gap between FedEx and TNT have widened. Conversely, the former plummeted tremendously to approximately 120.000 while the latter saw a slight surge to 80.000 in 1950. Such gap then narrowed down and both figures nearly reached the same level in 1960.

Afterw which, FedEx proportion saw a significant rise over the next 20 years before dipping steadily over the last given period. In contrast, the number of TNT parcels decrease minimally then the figure rocketed dramatically and reached a peak by 24.000 after overtaking the first position from its competitor.

Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835

4783

Mar 6, 2017 #2

Ainun, there are some points in your presentation that could have been improved. For example. you should have led your opening statement with the indication of the name of the two companies that you will be comparing. Placing the information at the end of the paragraph leads the reader to wonder what companies you are talking about when you have already given so much relevant information in the earlier part of the statement.

Then, there were points in the graph where the income of the companies overlapped. There should have been a clear discussion or representation of that overlapping point, accompanied by the figures and year indication because that shows a time when the income of the companies were tied for the same spot. These overlaps happened twice and yet you did not clearly indicate it any of your paragraphs.

Never say "In the first year" when an accurate reference to the year is mentioned in the illustration. In order to best inform your reader, all of your data must be factual, and that includes references to years and any other digits. You this throughout your essay by merely indicating "years" instead of comparative years.

Based upon the given considerations and the mistakes in the information presentation, I think that you will not be able to score higher than a 4 in this test.

akbarmappiare 31 / 469

275

Mar 6, 2017 #3

Hi Ainun, Actually you can get a score more for your writing, but you have needed a few improvements.
Firstly, if you wanna get the high score, you can impress the examiner through describing the thesis statement. You endeavor to convert the data to the meaningful sentence. You can represent the data smoother. For example,

Overall, it is important to note that TNT successfully surpassed a domination of Federal Express in a delivering sector.
Turning to the body paragraph, you have failed to present the proper information. The first sentence in the first body paragraph stated that TNT stood at a quarter of FedEx although it clearly seemed a third. Please, be careful of deciding the data because it can influence your score for the indicator "task achievement". Following that, you need to know when you harness the past tense or past perfect. There was the sentence which should be displayed in the past perfect like this sentence.

then experienced a growth in the following twenty years

then have experienced a growth....(it's better if you use the past perfect because that was a change in the fixed period)
Honestly, both of your body paragraphs were unbalanced. It indicated that you have found confusion for grouping the data. I suggest you strengthen your ability in grouping because it can enhance your score.

To master this skill, you are supposed to read examples and practice more and more.
Hopefully, those can help you Ainun.
GOOD LUCK

yuukinohan4 9 / 24

Mar 6, 2017 #4

Hi @ainunazwaria

Some suggestions come to me are firstly writing task one's overview that should be followed the year time, meaning that in your essay it has to be past tense.

Overall, it is noticeable that both lines experience an upward trend

You cannot say both trends had an upward trends because a dramatic decline seems happen in FedEX, it was likely a fluctuated trend. There was a spot, where those companies met. I highly suggest you to mention that figure. Because it was also a vital figure that can help you to group figures.

hope it helps you...