Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 7

WRITING TASK 1: LINE GRAPH; the average number of Vietnamese students study in 3 different country


xl98758 1 / 5  
Dec 11, 2020   #1
the proportion of Vietnamese learners studying in different countries

Please give me some advice for my essay, thank you very much in advance.
The line graph compares the average figure of Vietnamese international students learning in three different countries from 2000 to 2015.
Overall, the proportion of Vietnamese learners studying in the US and France increased significantly, while a slight drop in students in Russia. Also, the figure for international students in the US is the highest.

In 2000, the number of Vietnamese students studied in France reached a peak, at more than 3,5 million, in comparison to 3 million in Russian and 1,5 million in American. Over the next five years, the proportion of international students in France and Russia declined to around 1 million, whereas going to America rose to more than 2 million.

In 2005, there was a substantial growth stand at 5 million in 2015. By contrast, the number of students increased by 2 million during this period. In the year 2010, the proportion of international learners hit the lowest point under 2 million. On the contrary, It was going up to 2.5 million at the end of the period.


  • This is a picture
Callipyge 2 / 6 2  
Dec 11, 2020   #2
Interesting essay! Some minor changes I would make:
-"while there was a slight drop ..."
-For your graph title, I would drop "The graph below shows" unless you were asked to describe the graph instead of title it.
-For the USA, Say United States instead of America.
-Are you Vietnamese? Generally in English speaking countries we flip the use of periods and commas in numbers as "decimal separators" from how France or Vietnam would use it. So in the US or UK it would be 3.5 million or 3,500,000. I'm not sure if you change it while writing in English in a country that uses the other version!
OP xl98758 1 / 5  
Dec 11, 2020   #3
@Callipyge
Thank you very much for your advice, I will fix it.
And I'm Vietnamese.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,223 4319  
Dec 12, 2020   #4
The report lacks an analysis of tge overlapping years when the USA and the other 2 countries had an equal number of enrollees. The instructions for this essay include a portion for making comparisons where relevant. The most significant comparison upon first scanning the image are the intersection points where the data for countries meet in equal numbers. These should have also been noted in your report as it would have added a deeper analysis of the given image, adding to your TA score in the process. When writing these analyrical essays, you should try to go deeper into the presentation whenever you can. That is to prove that you have the thinking, mindset, and analytical abilities of a student who is entering university. Use comprehensive rather than simple data analysis when you can. Simple analysis is used for diagrams, comprehensive is used for measured presentations.
phuonglinhvuive 1 / 1 1  
Dec 12, 2020   #5
I think that the phrase "reached a peak" is not suitable for describing the figure of Vietnamese students studied in France since there is usually a decline after the figure reaching the peak.
OP xl98758 1 / 5  
Dec 12, 2020   #6
@Holt
Thank you very much for your advice. I will analyze in more depth

@phuonglinhvuive
Thank you very much for your advance. I will fix it.
OP xl98758 1 / 5  
Dec 12, 2020   #7
@Holt
Here's my edit on Body 2, please help me:
The 2005-2015 period witnessed considerable growth in the figure of Vietnamese students in France, Russia, and the US. To be specific, the number of Vietnamese students in the US surpassed that of France and Russia became the country with the highest Vietnamese international, approximately 5 million, compared to 4.5 million in France and 2.5 million in Russia in the same period.


Home / Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1: LINE GRAPH; the average number of Vietnamese students study in 3 different country