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IELTS 2 - The line graph compares the population of aged 65 or more in three different countries

iygnit 4 / 7 1  
Mar 1, 2020   #1
Hi there,
I wanter to reinforce my writing ability by practicing IELTS questions in my spare time. Hence, it would be helpful if you could give me some advises on grammar usage and how to improve the structure. :)

Population of aged 65 and over

This line graph compares the population of aged 65 or more in three different countries between 1940 to 2040.

It is clear from the graph that the number of elderly people in each country has rose considerably between 1940 and 2020, and the figures are expected to reach their peak in 2040.

As can be seen from the graph that the highest proportion of elder people was in USA in 1940, at 9%, followed by Sweden with 7%, and the figure for Japan accounted for 5%. Between 1940 and 1980, the rising trends was shown in both Sweden and USA, from 7% to 14% and from 9% to 15%, respectively. In contrast, the population for aged 65 and older in Sweden experienced a small decrease and then remained unchanged at 3% by 1980. From 2000 to 2020, the elderly population in Japan slightly rose before descending to 19%, while the population reached its plateau in USA throughout the period shown.

Although the percentage for all countries is predicted to constantly ascend, the amount of elderly people in Japan is anticipated to exceed others and reach its summit by 2040.

emem123 4 / 7 2  
Mar 1, 2020   #2
1. You should write more words in the IELTS exam. You can try to write 1 sentence in the first paragraph, 2 sentences in the second paragraph, and both 3 sentence in the third and fourth paragraph.

2. This line graph compares the population of aged 65 or more in proportionalin three different countries between 1940 to 2040.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,888 3555  
Mar 1, 2020   #3
On the contrary, you should not try to write too many words for the Task 1 test. Remember, you only have 20 minutes for this task. So writing more words will mean you will take away time from your Task 2 writing test. As long as you write between 150-175 words you are well within the scoring requirements. Don't write more than 200 words. You won't have time to edit your essay if you do. You are not scored on number of words, you are scored on the clarity of your data summary. Focus on what scores more, the English comprehension and written skills, not just the words. If you write more words, but the information provided is unclear, then you will still score less.

The overview structure is incomplete. Your overview needs to have a few more sections than what you wrote. Make sure that you always represent:
- The topic of the graph (represented)
- The years indicated (represented)
- Countries represented (not indicated)
- Type of measurement (not indicated)
- Trending sentence (represented)

In total, you have to present a maximum of 5 sentences, which is the maximum number of sentences per paragraph. Writing the maximum number of paragraphs will also increase your TA score as it will show that you completely addressed the task under the summary overview section of the presentation. Notice that I indicated what you presented, and forgot to present in the listing. I wanted to be sure that you will clearly understand what information is required in the writing of this type of essay. While the trending sentence can be presented as a stand alone sentence, it is best to present it as a part of the summary overview to meet the sentence number requirement of each paragraph.

Your second paragraph is too long. It has several run-on sentences in your presentation. Kindly remember that the GRA score is based on the clarity of the information presented and your ability to use the proper punctuation marks to write your sentence. The constant use of the comma, when you should be using a period will lower your score. A comma indicates a pause in the reading, that means the next set of information should be related to the previous sentence. In this instance, the information presented is not a continuation. So the information presentation should be separated by a period. Go for a mix of long and short sentences to be able to better represent simple and complex sentences.

You need only one trending sentence. In this presentation, you actually presented your trending statement twice. You don't need to repeat it at the end. The Task 1 essay doesn't require a concluding summary the way a Task 2 essay does. The reason it is not required is because there is no discussion indicated in Task 1, only information dissemination.
nguyenkimngan 1 / 2  
Mar 3, 2020   #4
maybe you can change the Introduction with the structure like this: Given is a graph comparing the number of inhabitants....
trvaanh 10 / 20  
Mar 3, 2020   #5
I think instead of using comma to connect the sentence, you had better use linking words like Also, Moreover.

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