The line graph of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city

Enquiries received in one city from Jan to Jun 2011

The line graph compares the quantity of requests the Tourist Informations Office in a specific city received in three different ways from January to June 2011.

It is clear that the number of in-person enquiries experienced the most dramatic change during the research period. Additionally, while the quantities of questions received in person and by telephone both rose significantly, there was a remarkable decline in the figure for letter/email.

In January 2011, the number of telephone enquiries was highest, at approximately 900, while the figure for letter/email was slightly lower, at less than 800. Meanwhile, just over 400 requests were received in person. In May, the quantity of questions collected through letter/email rapidly fell and reached the lowest point of nealy 400, whereas the other two figures gradually went up.

In June 2011, the quantity of in-person requests increased sharply to almost 1900 and became the highest figure in the line graph. Similarly, telephone's figure experienced a slow rise to about 1600. At the same time, the number of enquiries delivered through letter/email remained stable at just less than 400.

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  Enquiries received in one city from Jan to Jun 2011
  

@Chau Nguyen
Hello!

First and foremost, I think you should focus on optimizing the word count through removing redundant lines.

In addition, you also have a tendency to stretch your sentences thin. This is when you add unnecessary/irrelevant phrases to your line that do not contribute anything substantive to the depth of what you are saying.

Watch out also for your usage of preposition and punctuation. Misuse of these can negatively impact the technicalities of your essay, causing your content to appear informal/less academic (at the very least).

In line with this, I recommend the following revisions:

The line graph is a comparative of the quantity of requests received by a city in three different ways from January to June of 2011.

It is clear the in-person enqueries experienced the most dramatic change. While the quantities received by in-person and telephone rose significantly, there was a decline for letters or emails.*

*Notice how omitting small lines that do not have significant meanings can go a long way for your content. In addition, it also helps if you can be more straightforward when it comes to relaying information.

Best of luck as always!