Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback % width Posts: 4

Task 1 - Line Graph indicates the average yearly money spent on mobile phones and stationary phone


Sam Sam Nguyen 1 / 1  
May 18, 2020   #1

average annual expenditures on cell phone and residential phone



The line graph indicates the average yearly money spent on mobile phones and stationary phone services in UK during a 10-year period from 2001-2010.

Overally, the trend was reserved with a dramatic rise seen in cell phone services as opposed to a sharp decline found in residential phone services during the surveyed period.

In 2001, Americans spent roughly $700 on stationary phone services whereas the amount of money for cell phone services was left far behind with merely $200. However, the first five years witnessed a dramatic rise in consumption of mobile phone services by approximately $300 compared to a decline of near $200 recorded in that for landline phone services. In 2006, the figure for cell phone services overtook that for residential phone services at nearly $500, even surpassing to gain the unbeatable position with over $750, which is 2 times as large as that for residential phone services at the end of the given period.

Please take time and kindly give me some feedback. Can you suggest for me some words which are the synonyms for cell phone and residential phone?

Thank you so much for your time!




Holt [Contributor] - / 8,568 2485  
May 18, 2020   #2
Vocabulary:
Overally = Overall (possible typing error)

Writing Clarity: Learn to identify when a simpler word will help you get a better LR score. Using a simple word that better suits the meaning of the sentence works better than an obviously forced "big" English word meant to impress the examiner. You will get a better consideration if the sentence and paragraph sounds more academically natural.

- ... the first five years witnessed a dramatic rise... - five years saw a dramatic...

Exaggerated Word Use:
Unbeatable, dramatic, sharp, left far behind, - Simply state the data as provided in the graph. Do not make exaggerated assumptions or give opinions since you are not writing an opinion essay.

The summary overview is not really a complete paragraph. While the trending statement can be a single stand alone sentence, the summary overview needs to provide the key information coming from the graph. Your summary should contain:

- Image identification - provided
- Measurement basis - provided
- Type of measurement - not provided (measured in hundred dollar values)
- Source of data - not provided
- Years of survey- provided

Your summary overview is also not in the proper format, Use individual sentences to represent the summary information as outlined above. That way you meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement per paragraph. Remember, if the information is included in the image, you have to include it in your report. Do not skip any key information that will prove the accuracy of your data.

The essay is improperly formatted in the sense that you should have 3 complete paragraphs presented, you only have one long paragraph presented in the second part of the presentation. You should have divided that into:

Par. 2 - cellphone information
Par. 3 - Fixed landline information

There was also a failure on your part to make a reference to the overlapping point for the cellphone and landline information. The overlapping information is for the crisscrossed amount of approximately $550 in 2006. Attention to the overlapping details can help boost the TA section of your score.

Synonyms:

Mobile phone - portable phone, pocket phone, cell phone, digital phone, cellular phone, cell telephone, android device
Fixed Landline - corded telephone, static telephone, base phone, cordless phone
OP Sam Sam Nguyen 1 / 1  
May 18, 2020   #3
Thank you so much for your detailed feedback. It helps me a lots! I will keep going to improve.
Hardy_tom 3 / 3  
8 hrs ago   #4
Less use of synonyms, there are many grammar mistakes starts from overall. Your overall is not upto the mark , work on it. Don't jump for impressive, stay focused on simple english . When we try to impress others by using flashy words then they could be dangerous for us because of less time. Structure wise , it is not good.


Home / Writing Feedback / Task 1 - Line Graph indicates the average yearly money spent on mobile phones and stationary phone