Hi Shohruh, I have read your essay closely. There are a few parts which I will try finalizing. Hopefully, you can find my notes to be suggestions when you write in the next term.
Firstly, I wanna remind you that you should write at least 3 sentences in the paragraph. It can be a point of an indicator "coherence and cohesion". One of the ways to get the higher score is impressing the examiner in the first paragraph. Actually, you can simple your first paragraph and make your flow more smoother.
It's true that men are clearly better than women in some spheres and conversely women seem to be a lot more talented than males in particular areasIt is (Avoid using a contraction in the formal writing) true that men are clearly better than women in some of particular fieldworks. On the other hand, we should admit that females seem to be a lot more talented than males for other areas.
a reason to assign jobs to only one gender group.
Pay attention to meaning. Please, you reread your sentences to ensure that what you write is what mind.
....a reason to assign several parts of jobs for the specific genre.
the proportion of male and female workersdifference for the proportion of male
.... Please, concentrate on the meaning.
Avoid writing contractions in the essay.
Furthermore, banning people having a career in a particular field may sometimes terminate their burning desire and interest to work and succeed in that sphere
You tended to explain effects of clustering the jobs. Your score will be reduced if you do not follow the prompts given because those ask you to review your reason why the statement is wrong in your mind.
Hopefully, these can enhance your skill.
Practice more and more is the key to master this section