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Being a man or a woman makes diffrence whether or not people can be excluded from a job


shohruhbek 2 / 11 2  
Feb 7, 2017   #1
TOPIC: Women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender?

Every job for every one?



It's true that men are clearly better than women in some spheres and conversely women seem to be a lot more talented than males in particular areas. However, in my point of view, this cannot be a reason to assign jobs to only one gender group.

First of all, members of one gender can be more qualified for a job than those of the other sex in a broader sense, but in this flexible world we can encounter extraordinary exceptions. For example, politics is usually deemed to be male-dominated area, but the current leader of the German government represents the other gender. If working in management roles were prohibited for females, the women's natural flair for politics would have been left buried deep in her heart.

Secondly, the proportion of male and female workers in some jobs is not so huge (like 40 to 60 percent). And ,surely, one gender group seems to be more suitable for the profession due to their natural features. But if the members of the other sex didn't work in this field, the demand for this kind of personnel might not be met causing the wages to accrue and the businesses to suffer.

Furthermore, banning people having a career in a particular field may sometimes terminate their burning desire and interest to work and succeed in that sphere. Considering that hard work and a strong wish can beat talent, blocking their way because the job is more efficiently done by representatives of the other gender wouldn't be a plausible option. As a result, society may lose a great prospect in that person.

In conclusion, people have very distinctive sentiments about the never-ending debate on whether or not people should be excluded from a job because of their gender and its more problematic sides are yet to be discovered. But, for me, specifying jobs for a particular gender may not be such a fabulous idea in that it can affect the labour market and some really talented individuals of an 'unsuitable' gender will have no chance fulfilling their potential in a prohibited area.

DoctorWho [Contributor] - / 40 23  
Feb 7, 2017   #2
Hi!

I think it's a pretty good essay. Just check out for grammatical errors.
The content is perfect. You've included valid arguments with scenarios in favor of these points.

You could maybe include points like-
Even though men and women have their own strengths and weaknesses by virtue of the sexual orientation, it is impossible to make generalization for the entire group. At the end of the day, it should be the skill, knowledge the qualification of an individual that determines his/her appropriateness for a job.

Every individual in the present era deserves equal opportunities. That is not something that needs to be given, it is their right!

Good Luck:)
Holt - / 7,528 2001  
Feb 8, 2017   #3
Shoruh, while your overall essay presents some pretty valid and strong arguments, the opening statement of your essay is wanting in information and task accuracy response. The introduction to the topic does not follow the minimum 3 sentence requirement and does not accurately portray the discussion in question. There should have been a sentence that clearly depicts the discussion as being about the fact that men and women have commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Then add that there are some sectors that believe that due to these differences, it would be right to exclude certain genders from specific lines of work. Then, and only then, should you have given your opinion. That way, the topic outline for discussion would have been clearly depicted within your opening statement and prepared the reader for the discussion to come.

When you write these essays, it would be best to use as many of keywords as possible within so that you can prove that you have the lexical ability to understand the meaning of the words in the original statement and also, use the term in the proper context within your own presentation. By the way, when you say "prohibited for females", that is a plural representation so the last part of the sentence should have been "in their hearts".
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Feb 8, 2017   #4
Hi Shohruh, I have read your essay closely. There are a few parts which I will try finalizing. Hopefully, you can find my notes to be suggestions when you write in the next term.

Firstly, I wanna remind you that you should write at least 3 sentences in the paragraph. It can be a point of an indicator "coherence and cohesion". One of the ways to get the higher score is impressing the examiner in the first paragraph. Actually, you can simple your first paragraph and make your flow more smoother.

It's true that men are clearly better than women in some spheres and conversely women seem to be a lot more talented than males in particular areas

It is (Avoid using a contraction in the formal writing) true that men are clearly better than women in some of particular fieldworks. On the other hand, we should admit that females seem to be a lot more talented than males for other areas.

a reason to assign jobs to only one gender group.

Pay attention to meaning. Please, you reread your sentences to ensure that what you write is what mind.
....a reason to assign several parts of jobs for the specific genre.

the proportion of male and female workers

difference for the proportion of male.... Please, concentrate on the meaning.

It's

didn't work

Avoid writing contractions in the essay.

Furthermore, banning people having a career in a particular field may sometimes terminate their burning desire and interest to work and succeed in that sphere

You tended to explain effects of clustering the jobs. Your score will be reduced if you do not follow the prompts given because those ask you to review your reason why the statement is wrong in your mind.

Hopefully, these can enhance your skill.
Practice more and more is the key to master this section
GOOD LUCK
OP shohruhbek 2 / 11 2  
Feb 8, 2017   #5
@DoctorWho
Thanks for your comment, friend. I really appreciate your advice.

@akbarmappiare I have recenly registered for my exam and before i wasn't familiar with Ielts. It is the first essay in my IELTS self-preparation.Actually I did not know that the first paragraph should include at least 3 sentences, which will care from now on.

Avoiding contractions was also a good suggestion. Hope your recommendations will ameliorate my writing skills. Big thanks!

@Holt When I wrote in her heart I actually referred to the word leader. Is this somehow confusing?Anaway thanks for the expertise you shared with me. I will definitely follow your suggestions in the future.
Holt - / 7,528 2001  
Feb 8, 2017   #6
It was confusing because you did not refer to the German Chancellor until the next paragraph. If you want to use a term to describe a person's character or ability, you will need to present that information within the paragraph that discusses that person. Depending the time that is allotted for the development of your essay discussion, it might be good for you to first outline your topics for discussion so that you will be able to follow a cohesive flow of information presentation. A simple outline will suffice. It is just a reference for you to use while writing your essays so that you will not accidentally mix up your presentation as you accidentally did with this essay. Eventually, you will learn how to outline the essay mentally and you will be able to write without referring to your written outline list.
OP shohruhbek 2 / 11 2  
Feb 8, 2017   #7
@Holt
Like every job for everyone?
And why cannot I edit my thread now? I would like to replace 'the women's natural flair' for 'the woman's natural flair'.
Holt - / 7,528 2001  
Feb 8, 2017   #8
I am not sure what you mean by "Like job for everyone". Would you mind completing the reference for me? I need to be clear about what you are asking me before I can respond properly to your question. In reference to why you cannot edit your original thread anymore, that is because the threads have a time limit within which you can edit your original content. If you want to make any changes after the deadline passes, you have to post a new message in the same thread. That is the only way you can revise your essay for our review. So I suggest that you revise the essay and then post it in this thread as a new version. In return, we will continue to review the thread with you until you get it right. As of now, we can only offer you advice regarding the original essay because you have not posted a revised version yet.
OP shohruhbek 2 / 11 2  
Feb 8, 2017   #9
@Holt
You suggested providing an outline and I am quering if "every job for everyone" at the beginning can be an example.
Holt - / 7,528 2001  
Feb 8, 2017   #10
Your outline should be based upon the prompt requirements. So the prompt requirement is for you to discuss whether men and women should be excluded from certain jobs due to gender. The outline of the discussion should go something like this:

I. Prompt summary
a. Paraphrasing prompt
b. Present both sides
c. Present personal opinion

II. Present Side A
a. Public opinion
b. Justification
c. Example

III. Present Side B
a. Public opinion
b. Justification
c. Example

IV. Present Personal Opinion
a. Opinion
b. Justification
c. Example

V. Conclusion
a. Present new paraphrased prompt
b. Present both sides in summary form
c. Present personal opinion summary
d. Closing sentence
anabel 3 / 4  
Feb 8, 2017   #11
Hi..
I would like give you the suggestion for improving your essay

First of all, members of one gender can be more qualified for a job than those of the other sex in a broader sense, but in this flexible world (world,) we can encounter extraordinary exceptions. For example, politics is usually deemed to be male-dominated (a male-dominated) area

It appears that you are missing a comma after the introductory phrase in this flexible world. Consider adding a comma.
The noun phrase male-dominated area seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.


Thank you
OP shohruhbek 2 / 11 2  
Feb 8, 2017   #12
@anabel
Yeah I should be more careful with commas and learn punctuation rules in general. The missing article was a typing-related error. But I see you paid more attention to my essay than I did. I really appreciate your help.

Thanks.


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