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IELTS writing task 1 on maps / hydroelectric dam


nct 1 / 2  
Mar 25, 2019   #1
Hello,
I've finished my first IELTS writing task 1 on maps. Could you please help me to review it?
Thanks in advance!

presenting changes in an area after completing the energy investment



The maps illustrate the significant changes in an area where an hydroelectric dam was built between 1980 and 2000.
With these changes, the area was almost totally transformed with the disappearance of many natural parts, the construction of new dam and towers, and the transformation of the river.

In 1980, green parts of the area such as forest, architect structure and the area for rare plants and animals were located to the west of the the river, but they were totally removed in 2000. Also, irrigated land to the east of the river was demolished to make way for a hotel.

The most significant changes happened in the north of the area. First of all, a hydrolectric dam was built in the north-end of the river to stop the stream. There was also a construction of electricity towers around the dam to generate electric. Besides, the river were widened in its mid-segment to store water. Finally, the village was relocated to the north-east corner of the area.



Maria - / 1,098 389  
Mar 25, 2019   #2
I suggest reviewing the usage of articles. Let's look at, for instance, your first paragraph. The article is supposed to be a instead of an before the word hydroelectric.

Watch out for instances wherein you use contradictory words to explain your thoughts. For instance, mentioning "almost totally" can appear to be confusing. Instead, you can save space through removing the "totally" as the almost is indicative of something incomplete than something that is concrete. I suggest rephrasing these words.

I also suggest being more straightforward with your usage of words. If you reread the text and feel that you may omit some words (mostly articles), then feel free to remove them to make your essay easier to comprehend.

The essay's last paragraph also is quite inconclusive. You may add a sentence at the very end that will focus on wrapping up what these significant changes mean for the dam itself. You can be more creative here than technical just to better the flow of the narration.
OP nct 1 / 2  
Mar 26, 2019   #3
Thank you very much Maria.
I'll update my essay based on your comments!


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