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Should married women give up their jobs to look after their children ?


vivu_hoian 1 / -  
Jan 20, 2013   #1
In spite of the fact that women have played more vital role in society, recently, a range of people still impose many outdated points of view on them. One of the most typical example is that "Married women should give up their jobs to look after their children". In my opinion, I do not agree with this sentiments.

There is no doubt that women are better in doing household chores and looking after their children than men. They are not only a mother but also a crony of their children, who can share their feelings, make delicious food and take care of their children carefully. However, it doesn't mean that women are not capable of doing social works. Suppose that half of the world have to stay home waiting for their spouse everyday, how odd the life would be! In fact, there are many spheres that men can not perform as well as women such that receptionists, air hostesses, customer care works, operators or so on.

On the other hand, it is said that "Men build the house and women make it home."How could family be happy and the children be mature without the help of fathers. If the women can not create income, they will completely depend on their husbands and this is also one of the reasons leads families to unhappiness. And if the husband undergone any calamity, what would happen to his family while his wife even has no job.

Furthermore, release your wife from the kitchen and let them join in the world, she will have enough knowledge and skills to teach your children in a right orientation. Let Marie Cuire be an example. Her life was not picturesque in the absence of the husband but providing that she lived, she dedicated her own for science and her children. What a great woman!

In conclusion, gender equality is widely recognized all over the world. Both of men and women should take responsibility of bringing up their children. And women have the right to get their favorite job.

greenkingdom - / 1  
Jan 20, 2013   #2
1) Paragraph 1 "Sentiment" not "sentiments"
2) Paragraph 2 "at doing" not "in doing"
3) "cronies" might not be the right word
4) cannot is one word not "can not"
5) the help of fathers? (add question mark)
6) "undergoes" not "under gone", add question mark
Overall it is a rather simplistic essay. I would strengthen it by adding complexity of ideas, and topic sentences that separate different ideas. Example:

In the modern era women can be as, or more successful than men in the medical field.

It gives women confidence to support themselves in the case of a a husband dying .

etc.

And then target your essay toward the topic sentence.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jan 20, 2013   #3
In spite of the fact that women have played more vital role in society, recently, a range of people still impose many outdated points of view on them.

This sentence has many issues; grammar, clarity of your idea, inappropriate words
"range of people" is not appropriate - It should be; some people, some sections in society etc.
" impose many outdated points" - should be; "hold many conservative ideas", "stick to narrow perspectives" etc.
Try and write simple, yet interesting sentences. It's good to display your vocabulary knowledge, but if you are not sure of appropriate words don't use them.

My suggestion for this sentence;
Women today play a more significant role in society in contrast to the women of old eras. However, certain people still have not abandoned their conservative thinking; These people hold the view that married women should give up working when they become mothers.


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