Ielts Writing task 2 about Married women and teens

working mothers - kids issue

Ielts Question: The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

My opinion:
In the tradition family setting, mothers usually pay all their attention on their family while fathers go to work and earn money. The role of mothers has changed, and they have begun to work; however, it may lead teenagers become rebellious. I think married women who work are not associate with those problems because not all the responsibility should be blamed on mothers, and teenagers have their freedom to explore.

First and foremost, not all the responsibility should be blamed on mothers. This is a cliche idea that mother should be the role to take care of children traditionally. For example, it is ridiculous that the kids grown up in singled family would involve in crimes because their mothers work. If the mother work and the kids stay at home, they will cook and tidy up by themselves, so that they become more independent. Moreover, school is the institution for kids to learn and stay in the most of their earlier life. They learn the moral and ethics in there. Therefore, children should take their own responsibility.

In addition, teenagers have their freedom to explore the world. Teenagers have their own thoughts, and they are capable to classify what is right or wrong. Therefore, they own their decisions. If mothers always take care of her children, both of them will get tired in mental health. For example, teenagers want to take drugs without noticing their mothers because they know that is illegal. Sometimes it is hard for parents to check their children frequently, for the reason that they know it will damage their relationship.

To conclude, I think many married women work and are not at home to care for their children is not the main reason that cause teenagers' problems because children should be responsible and they have their decisions. So, young people should be aware of what they are doing.

I hope you guys could help me and give me some sugguestions about my writing.
Don't be kind to me, please be harsh! :)
Thank you

Hi so11123, I thought your writing was pretty understandable in this essay. Maybe your thesis statement could have been more specific in stating exactly to what extent you disagree. In your first paragraph, you could have connected the dots a little better and explcitly state that living in single parent homes actually makes kids more responsible, not less. You have the statements there, but you could have connected them more effectively. Your second body paragraph was less clear - it sounds like you are saying that single mothers have a disadvantage because they cannot keeps tabs on their kids as easily, but that goes against your thesis. Here are some specific suggestions:

In the traditional family setting,

mothers usually focus all their attention

however, this shift may lead teenagers to become rebellious.

who work are not associated with those problems

responsibility should be placed on mothers, {or "not all the blame should be placed on"}

First and foremost, not all the responsibility should be blamed on mothers. {this is still incorrect and now you have repeated the error - try to avoid repetition, even of correct words and phrases ;) }

It is a cliche idea that mothers should be the role to take care of children traditionally. {this last phrase is confusing to me{

the kids who grow up in single-parent families would become involved in crimes

the mother works and the kids stay at home

institution for kids to learn and where they spend most of their time in early life.

They learn morals and ethics in there.

children should take their own responsibility for their own actions

they are capable of classifying what is right or wrong.

If mothers spend all their time taking care of their children,... get tired and their mental health will suffer.

take drugs without noticing their mothers finding out because ...

To conclude, I think the trend in which many ...

main reason that causes teenagers' problems