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Memory from the past can always give people more specific guide in the present - SAT



Loftyyyy Girlll 2 / 5  
Jul 14, 2010   #1
This is my SAT practice essay...I would like your guys give me some good advice about the essay and it would better that if you guys score my essay...

As the saying goes "One can't always live under the shadow of memories." Memories are the few important things that one is need of. In one's effort to learn from the past and succeed in the present, memories are playing parts in helping people to win the life.

In the area of business, the CEO of Starbucks, Howard Schulze, is a significant figure making memory lead him to success. Howard was born in a blue-collar family; both his parents have to work from dawn to night in an effort to support the living of the family. It was pretty common that the poor family ran out of money at the end of each month, so Howard and his little sister have to eat cheese accompanied by bread often twelve months old. However, little Howard cared about his parents a lot and had great passion and determination to be a educated person. At the age of seven, Howard's father lost his job as a driver when he broke his ankle during an accident. The luxuries money for paying the health insurance was totally unattainable for this low-incoming family. Facing his father sick and poor, with no health insurance, Howard could never forget. The shadow of his childhood didn't even stop his pace from becoming the CEO of Starbucks. As he says "I want to be in charge of my own destiny." He determined to escape poverty and became the first person of his family to graduate from college. The memory of Howard helps him realize his dream and earn the bachelor degree in marketing. And also his father's experience became the unforgettable memory in Howard's heart, so he pays all the health insurance money for the workers of Starbucks. In short, Howard's memory from his childhood helps him and motives him to be an educated person and able to make great fortune.

In the book Free the Children written by Craig Kielburger, a Pakistan boy Iqbal Masih was sent to a carpet factory at the age of 5. He had to work there from day to night without any rest. In the gloomy, shadowy and damp loom, this little kid got insufficient food and sleep. Six years later, in his age of 12, he was the size of a six-year-old boy. This was a horrible memory for this little kid. At the age of 10, Iqbal escaped from the carpet factory and freed by a member of the International Labor Constitution. There, Iqbal received great tender loving care. One year after his recovery, he set out and began to speak against children labor in public voice. He carried his memory from the gloomy childhood and started to show people how brutal children labor was. He went around the world giving out speech; as soon as Iqbal was presented in front of public, people applaused for his action and encouraged him to continue on. Swiftly, he helped over 3,000 Pakistan boys during one year. In all, Iqbal wasn't tripped by the memory from his childhood; instead, this past sad memory gives him the motivation to help more and more children labor get away from the shadow and inspire more and more people to join him.

Memory from the past can always give people more specific guide in the present and lead people to success. From the experience of Howard Schultz and Iqbal Masih, we can clearly see that these memories don't hinder them rather than help them triumph in the present. In short, memories, no matter good or bad, can always give people hope and assist people to win.

Azeri 10 / 130  
Jul 14, 2010   #2
Hello, Laura

to be an educated person

There, Iqbal received great tender and loving care.

..people applaused for his action and encouraged him to continue on .

I cannot score the essay, since I do not know scoring standards of SAT essays, but, overall your essay is optimistic and encouraging to actions.
linmark 2 / 325  
Jul 16, 2010   #3
Hey Laura,
Suggestion: work on your opening and closing sentences. These are what make (or break) the essay. For instance, your first sentence does not support the second, nor the third. I would also steer clear of using the "one" pronoun.

In one's effort to learn from the past and succeed in the present, memories are playing parts in are essential for helping people to win the life.

"win the life" does not make any sense - do you mean succeed in life?

The luxuries Money for paying the health insurance was totally unattainable for this low-incoming family. Facing his father sick and poor, with no health insurance, Howard could never forget facing his sick and poor father with no health insurance. The shadow of his childhood didn't even stopslow down his pace from becoming the CEO of Starbucks.

This was a horrible memory for this little kid. At the age of 10, Iqbal escaped from the carpet factory and was freed by a member of the International Labor Constitution.

He went around the world giving outspeeches;

From the experience of Howard Schultz and Iqbal Masih, we can clearly see that these memories don't hinder them rather thanbut have the reverse effect to help them triumph in the present. In short, memories, no matter good or bad, can always give people hope and assist people to win.

TRY TO AVOID USING ABSOLUTES LIKE "always."
Spend more time on the closing sentences. It is hard to generalize from just the two examples you provided. Overcoming adversity is not directly attributed to memory. What I mean to say is that succeeding in life requires more than just memories. What comes to my mind is that people who do not succeed to overcome a bad past (and the resultant bad memories) have less chance of succeeding than those who DO (forget the bad past and learn from their mistakes.)
OP Loftyyyy Girlll 2 / 5  
Jul 16, 2010   #4
A. Smith: Thank you so much for your correction. I will revise it as best as I can.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Jul 16, 2010   #5
As the saying goes "One can't always live under the shadow of memories." Memories are the few important things that one is need of.

These are the first two sentences I see, so I get confused right away. Is she arguing that memory should not be considered so important, or is she arguing that memory should be considered important. I think the old saying means we should stay in the present and not rely on memory. You might want to choose a different quote. However, I might be wrong!!:-)

You should practice with the past tense for verbs:
Howard was born in a blue-collar family--- good!
both his parents have had to work from dawn to night in an effort to support the living of the family. --- I changed have to had.

It was pretty common that the poor family ran out of money at the end of each month, --- good past tense!
...so Howard and his little sister have to eat cheese accompanied by bread that was often twelve months old.--I changed have to had.

I don't want to give a score, because I don't know how to score accurately.

There are some mistakes, though, like this:
At the age of 10, Iqbal escaped from the carpet factory and was freed by a member of the International Labor Constitution.

In the gloomy, shadowy and damp loom, this little kid got insufficient food and sleep. --- excellent!!

Six years later, at the age of 12, he was ...

Keep practicing!! Thanks for participating here!
:-)
OP Loftyyyy Girlll 2 / 5  
Jul 16, 2010   #6
Thank you Kevin...You are awesome!! I think I do make my opening sentences sound confused and I will revise it right away...


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