Ielts: mix of both - competition and cooperation should be taught to the student

Topic: Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taugh to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

And Please can any one tell me what type of score will i get for this essay.

Some people argue that children should be motivated to join competition, while other conclude that sense of cooperation is needed among children to make them better adults. However in my opinion, i believe that mix of both sense of competition and cooperation is needed to make children better adults.

There are many advantages of competition. Firstly, the sense competition among children will strive them to work hard and get first position in class. The students competing against each other, will try hard to improve themselves in order to perform well against their rival students. Each student will try his/her out most to achieve better position in class. We live in a very competitive society, so students should be prepared for it. When i was student, my school lacked sense of competition, students only cared about passing the exams. As a result our school ranked lower. So competition among students is also important.

There are also disadvantage of competition. As students will become selfish. Many parents would also compel their children to achieve better marks, so they can feel superior in family.

On the other hand there are many people who believe that cooperation has better influence on children than competing among them. Team work solves problem faster and better. Children studying together can help each other understand better, and can solve their home work much quicker. Each can help other in covering their weakness. In groups students can learn a lot of skills from each other. It also become easier for them to interact with other individual in the society. However different occasion need different skills, for example during exam, helping each other mean cheating.

So in general, mix of both competition and cooperation should be taught to the student

First, I would like to focus on grammar.
Ist paragraph: Personally, I wouldn't say a sense of cooperation. I think you could just say that others conclude that cooperation is needed and this would be the only change to that sentence. Make sure to capitalize"I". Do you believe that children need a balance? For example, they need to know how to be competitive and cooperative because these are skills they may have to use when they become adults.

2nd paragraph: You don't have to repeat a sense of competition. You can use competition. This paragraph, you want to convey to the reader that competition among children helps them strive to be first in their class. Are your referring to graduating first in your class or just having the best grades in school? I think you are trying to say that each student will try to do his or her best to achieve a better position in class. Is that correct? You don't need commas. You can make this into two sentences. You can discuss how the school lacked a sense of competition and the other sentences will discuss the students not caring about the exams. (Capitalize and check grammar). How did they rank lower? Was the school the lowest in the school district?

3rd paragraph: Make a new paragraph starting with the first sentence, "There are also disadvantage of competition". The last few sentences need revisions. Add an "s" to disadvantage in this first sentence . The next sentence is incomplete when you use "As". Delete this word. Change the tense too: "will" should be "can" and "would" should be "could". Also, do you mean that when parents compel their children to achieve better marks, it makes the children feel superior in the family? Do you think if the child feels superior, he or she will still have manners and have respect for their parents?

4th paragraph: Place a comma after on the other hand, because you are making a transition. In this sentence I think you want to express that cooperating is better for children than competition. Add "they" after and in the sentence that discusses children studying together. You don't want to say cover your weakness. This means that you are trying to be perfect or pretend you don't have a weakness. I think you maybe saying that students can help each other improve upon difficult subject areas when they work together. Is this correct? Place a comma after "In groups". I'm confused by this next sentence. Do you think that by working in groups, it becomes easier for them to interact with other individuals in society? I would make this next sentence into two sentence. I think what you mean is that children need to cooperate responsibly. This would mean that they wouldn't get involved in cheating because they think they are cooperating with another student. Is this what you mean? Place that last sentence in this paragraph. Make sure you place "a" before mix of both competition and cooperation.

*Make all of the grammar changes. It needs to be revised. Read it again with the grammar changes. I don't know how you are scored and how long the essay should be. However, I think your score will improve if the reader can understand your position and you have some good examples, especially the one that refers to your school experience.

Thanks for correcting my flaws. I will work on them