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IELTS; mobile phone impacts on people's lives



linh110 2 / 6  
Apr 21, 2014   #1
Please help me fix my mistake and make my essay more academic . Thanks a lot ( Just intro of my essay)

Throughout recent history, there is no doubt that the mobile phone has made a huge impact on people's lives. Mobile phones have proved themselves to be one of the greatest contribution to mankind and have gradually become an integral part of human beings' lives. However, with the tremendous widespread of using mobile phones, the scientists worried about the issue of health implications for people and the problems of mobile phone has, therefore, received considerable critical attention throughout the population. Recently the issue of whether mobile phone is a serious health risk has been widely debated in communities, nevertheless most people do not perceive many negative effects that the excessive usage of cell phones might bring to humankinds. Based on evidence of various research, this essay will argue that mobile phones pose a serious risk to humans, especially youths. The focus is particularly on the three most common: brain tumour, other health diseases relating to psychophysiology and several sensible precautions for reducing radiation exposure.

dumi 1 / 6793  
Apr 21, 2014   #2
Throughout recent history, there is no doubt that the mobile phone has made a huge impact on people's lives.

...."Throughout recent history" has not contribution to this idea so it sounds redundant :(
There is no doubt that mobile phones have made a huge impact on people's lives since recent past.

Mobile phones They (don't repeat "mobile phones" too frequently) have provedthemselvesto bemade one of the greatest contributionsto the well being of(you need to tell for what they contributed) mankind and have gradually become an integral part of human beings' lives.
OP linh110 2 / 6  
Apr 22, 2014   #3
thanks so much :) . Do you have any other ideas about my essay? Is it ok after fixing all mistakes that you told me? I am very bad in writing academic essay :)
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1170  
Apr 22, 2014   #4
Result shows that mobile phones have proved themselves to be one ofwith the greatest contribution to mankind and have gradually becomeformed an integral part of human beings' lives our daily life.

Based on evidence of various research

Given this evidence,... or The aforementioned evidence examines that ...
Pahan 1 / 1824  
Apr 22, 2014   #5
. Do you have any other ideas about my essay? Is it ok after fixing all mistakes that you told me? I am very bad in writing academic essay :)

Well, your essay has a pretty weak structure. You need to have these parts in your essay - Introduction, Body paras and a Conclusion.
ningo 22 / 52  
Apr 24, 2014   #6
From my point of view, your introduction is quite long compared with 3 or 4 sentences for a model intro in Ielts writing. Try to shorten your ideas. If you want to show your thoughts, it is advisable for you to leave them in body paras.


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