Some people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on different factors. Discuss both of views and give your own opinion.
In this modern era, money can buy anything, including individual gladness. Several people think that personal happiness has correlation with finance, while others believe that some factors bring huge implication on it. This essay is going to explain both statements and my own opinion about those statements.
Recently, some people argue that having good financial condition makes someone happy since he can buy anything which he wants. For example, when we have many incomes, we can visit many countries in the world which have different culture, eat what we want to eat, and own what we want to use. The research from Stanford University released that 68 % citizens in some developed countries claimed themselves to be happy. Hence, people who want to be happy have to earn money for pursuing happy life. As a result, the higher their economic level is, the happier their personal life is.
On the other hand, several individuals believe that personal gladness depends on deferent factors. Firstly, good social relationship with people in our surrounding is a main factor which influences someone to be happy since every human is social creature. Secondly, their jobs also lead them to be happy because people who have job which they are really interest in and the results will be great. In addition, human nature feels happy while their job results are avowed by other individuals. Thus, there are some factors which make someone to be glad.
To sum up, it is evident that not only finance, but also family, job and respect from other people lead someone to get personal happiness. In my opinion, individual has to earn much money to reach their personal gladness then making their family members happy.
Wahyu, I can say that your essay is well-structured. The flow of ideas is good, the grammar is controlled, and more importantly, you addressed the prompt properly. To enhance your essay, you may consider my thoughts as follows:
"..that having a good financial condition.."
"..some peoplemany argue that having good financial condition makes someonepeople happy since he they can buy anything which hethey want."
"The research from Stanford University releasedrevealed that.." (innapropriate diction)
"..deferentdifferent factors."
".. our surroundings.."
"..they are really interested in."
"..which make someone to be glad (or you can use "delighted and pleased as well)."
Also, you need to use a wide variety of vocabularies to elevate your score, because it is one of the major considerations in the IELTS examination. I hope my contribution can help you enhance your writing further. Stay positive and keep writing! Best regards.
Hello Wahyu nice to read your Essay.. :)
I think this is essay for IELTS Task 2, isn't it?
Okay, actually I still learn about writing task 2, but I want to try to give you writing feedback especially on the first paragraph,
let's see below:
paragraph 1:
In thisas modern era, money can buy anything, includingsuch as individual gladness.
Several people think that personal happiness has correlation with finance, while others believe that some factors bring huge implication on it.
This essay is going to explain both statements and my own opinion about those statements.
= if you want to make your essay balance, you do not need to explain this sentence.
thank you and good luck! :D
In this modern era, money can buy anything=> you shouldn't use extreme words (anything, can)-> money would play a powerful role in our life
good social relationship with people in our surrounding is a main factor which influences someone to be happy since every human is social creature=> good idea but it hard to follow->
a main factor-> the main factor
influences someone to be happy=> may influence people's satisfaction rates
since every human is a social creature=> since we live in collaborating society
