The modern life has negative impacts on children's lifestyle

Topic: Many children these day have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both school and parents are responsible for solving this problem.
To what extent do you agree with this statement?

the concern of kids health today

It is patently obvious that modern life has negative impacts on children's lifestyle which are mainly the way they spend their spare time and their poor eating habit. Personally, school and parents play important roles in tackling this issue.

Firstly, both school and parents have a variety of methods to create a balanced diet. Limited amount of fast food and encourage children to eat more vegetable and fruit to the good way to set up a healthy diet. For example, adults should restrict children to eat fast food such as pizza and hamburger, and encourage them eat more fruit and vegetable like banana or salad. By this way, children are aware of what sort of food is good for their health and avoid eating less nutritional food.

Secondly, school and parents should warn children about the important role of taking regular physical activity. Less taking exercise is an underlying cause leading obesity on children worldwide. Parents can encourage children do more exercise by organizing family's day or playing sports together. Besides, school can add regular exercise on their timetable and compulsory sports for students as well. As a result, children have a good habit and develop healthily.

Last but not least, government and health organizations have to raise awareness of the public about active lifestyle. They can organize activities about how to set up a good lifestyle or training course for parent to bring up children healthily. By doing this, people will be more careful to raise their children.

In conclusion, it is necessary for both school and parents to solve children's unhealthy lifestyle. To tackle this problem, having a balanced diet, regular exercise and the concern of government and health organizations must be considered.

______________________________________

Please give me some comments, thank you so much!

your essay is so great. Ideals are organised logically, paragraphing is sufficient and using coherence words is suit.
i just say it and i also admire u because of your good essay.
however, i wonder if it's ok when paragraph 4 mentioned to goverment and organisations which the topic didn't and if it's assessed to wander from the subject

Nguyne, this essay just failed to get a passing score in an actual test setting. Remember, the TA score relies on your English comprehension skills. You have to prove that you understood the topic presented and are capable of discussing the topic based on the instructions you were given. In this instance, the instruction you were asked to follow is to discuss:

To what extent do you agree with this statement?

This means you have to take a yes or no stance regarding the topic and then defend that side in the essay. It is clear that you misunderstood the instructions for the discussion because your response was:

Personally, school and parents play important roles in tackling this issue.

As you can see, your response is nowhere near the discussion instructions you were given. From a yes or no essay, you discussed a personal opinion, without giving a direct response to the question, which is the basis of the thesis statement of your prompt paraphrase.

The correct response to this would have been:

I strongly agree that both the school and the parents have a direct hand in the creation the unhealthy lifestyle of children. I have based my opinion on a couple of reasons.

That is the response that I believe you should have given as your thesis statement at the end of the prompt paraphrase paragraph.

Your 4th paragraph is a prompt deviation that will further reduce your ability to prove that you understood what the discussion topic requirements were. You were to focus on a 4 paragraph essay that has 2 reasoning paragraphs, one for teachers and one for parents. The government was never part of this discussion and as such, should not have been presented in this essay.