Money on average earned - correct this Task 1 IELST Writing

Average weekly salary by occupation

It is immediately obvious that, this table gives information about amount of money on average earned by male and female employees each week in five careers in 2015. Common salaries of men in all jobs are significantly higher than woman.

Weekly income of men varied according to occupations. Professionals earned the highest salaries, an average of $2000. The lowest income was about $1100 per week, were paid to Manual Laborers. Technicians, Admin, Services share position remains of wage, $1400, $1350 and $1300 respectively.

Salaries of women also changed to depend on their jobs. While Manual Laborers were paid the lowest income with about $850 each week, Professionals took the top position of income with about $1900 weekly. Services's wage was only a half of the highest amounts, which was about $950. Tech and Admin earned fairly the same amount of money a week, $900 and $1000 respectively.

Both men and women earned the varied wages depending on their careers, and it is clearly that women considerably were paid less than men in all similar occupations.

(176 words)

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  Occupations.jpg
  

I think the word 'immediately' in the first sentence is unnecessary and also 'this table gives THE information about THE amount of money'
'weekly salary' can be paraphrased into 'wage'
in the body paragraphs, you miss some articles
'Salaries of women also changed to depend on their jobs' - not very clear

There is a problem with your approach to this reporting essay. You see, there is a format for the presentation that you have to follow. The first paragraph should do the following, without beginning the discussion of the content yet.

- Identify the type of image ( table)
- Topic of the table
- Comparison points (male and female)
- Occupation listing
- Earning trend

Each of the information should be presented in individual sentences numbering no more than 5. The reason that the summary overview should not number more than 5 is because there are 5 points for identification that should be presented to the reader. The summary should always contain a reference to the required information. It helps to outline the discussion within the next 2 paragraphs as well.

You should also be presenting a comparison sentence somewhere in the presentation. The comparison point here should have been with regards to the highest earning points between men and women:

A comparison of note within the chart is that male professionals earned $2000 in 2015, while female professionals earned $1900. This means that the professional women earned $100 less than the professional men.

Don't forget, you need to present comparisons where relevant in the report. The highest paid counterparts must be highlighted in the presentation. It is a point of interest for the reader and must be used either as a trending statement or as a significant discussion point. By the way, you do not need to capitalize each occupation description since these are not proper nouns, only work / job descriptions.

You need to make a clear structure in Task 1 IELTS writing test.

1. Introduction
2. Overview
3. Body A (describe chart/table)
4. Body B (describe chart/table)

In the first paragraph, you only need to paraphrase the question. Your second sentence tends to be an overview rather than a re-writing question.

You should make an overview in the second paragraph and using the keyword 'overall' to emphasize.

The last paragraph more likes a conclusion. Remember, you no need to conclude in writing task 1.