'money for school tuition'; Teens work while they are still students

I am not sure this essay is accurate. some may be too general or specific; therefore, i really need feedback from you to improve my writing essay a bit.

Thank you.

In some country, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a very good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.

I agree that this is a very good thing because it is very beneficial for teenagers to get jobs and at the same time study in a school. This can create their habits of self sufficiency in the dynamic society without being dependent on their parents. There are three advantages teenagers can obtain from working while studying.

First, teenagers can learn how to apply their knowledge to their career.
Today, a lot of companies recruit personnel who have more experiences because these are very crucial to the success of work. If teenagers do not have enough experience, they are disqualified or do not produce good working outcome for the company

Second, they have money to pay for school tuition themselves.
When they have money from working, they can spend it on tuition without asking parents for it. I think this habit is good especially in a fast-paced changing society which everyone cannot stay alone and is outgoing because they do not make their parents worried about it.

Third, they can take care of their family by themselves
Nowadays, many people mainly from poor background do not have ample money even to care for either themselves or their children. Therefore, it is a responsibility of teenagers to do jobs for money to help their family. For example, In the Northeastern part of Thailand, most parents send their teenagers come to study while work in Bangkok because they think it is only way to reduce their burdens especially money.

In conclusion, working and studying at the same time can create a lot of advantages. Teenagers can adapt to new lifestyles and survive without any burden on their parents. They can use their ability from class in a real life and have money for expenditures particularly on an education fee and family.

You're off to a good start, however, I would try to make each paragraph 5 sentences, and try to vary the way you start each one...I felt as though I were reading a list rather than a paper. I hope this helps...

I understand you want me to explain more details clearly with a lot of examples

Your feedback is very helpful to me and i try to write another essay better

In some countries , teenagers have jobs while they are still students.

... obtain from working while studying: learning to apply knowledge to their career, getting money to pay for tuition, and being able to take care of their families. (And the first paragraph here.)

Paragraph 2:
First, teenagers can learn how to apply their ...

Great job! I showed you how to list the main points at the ene of the first paragraph. That will improve the structure of the essay.

At the start of each paragraph, do not do a line break. Just do it like this:
Third, they can take care of their family by themselves
Nowadays, many people mainly from poor background do not have ample money even to care for either themselves or their children. Therefore, it is a responsibility of

Third, they can take care of their family by themselves. Nowadays, many people mainly from poor background do not have ample money even to care for either themselves or their children. Therefore, it is a responsibility of...

:-)