TOEFL essay -Monumental Gifts

I hope there are not plenty of mistakes
Would you mind rewriting my mistakes?
Thanks in advance (^_^)
Monumental Gifts

Nowadays, we face to plenty of disasters; such as, earthquakes, floats, hurricanes, famine and drought etc. Even though we take some precautions against these disasters, unfortunately, we usually can not resist them. How we cope with these bad conditions? The answer is of course by charities or volunteers. The first aim of which is to help people in need.

First of all, should we donate to charities? The answer is, of course, yes due to fact that nobody will know future. To give an example, plenty of earthquakes take place so that not only many people are died but also their houses are pulled down. Who helps them? Of course, charities like the Red Cross, Turkish Red Crescent or volunteers. Owing to fact that we will be a disaster victim, we must donate them.

Secondly, charities support to underdeveloped countries; such as, South Africa, Kenya. There are plenty of people. They need pure water and food. Charities provide these people their necessities.

Moreover, needless to say, going to school is hard there due to fact that they do not have enough schools, teachers. Many charities can supply scholarship to education in the developing countries. After then, they will solve their issues.

What is more, we donate not only money but also our organs, such as, kidney, liver, retina etc. Therefore, an ailment person can cure our organ donation. As far as I am concerned, the most significant gift for a sick person is going on his life so that we must donate.

All in all, owing to fact that we need eat other, we should make a donation either money or our organs. Consequently, we will be able to live prettier world by philanthropic people.

16.05.2010
©TeamSAK

The first aim of which is to help people in need
I think it's better to say, their main aim is....

(yes due to fact that nobody will know)
this should be (due to the fact that)
another notice, you should leave an empty line to separate the paragraphs

Dear kovcastle,

Here are some suggestions:

Nowadays, we face to plenty of disasters; such as, earthquakes, floats, hurricanes, famines and droughts etc

To give an example, plenty of earthquakes take place [ should use present perfect tense in this case ]-> Plenty of disasters have taken place so that not only many people are died but also their houses are pulled down.

Owing to fact that we will be a disaster victim, we must donate them ->Owing to the fact that we may be a disaster victim in the future, therefore we should donate to them

we donate not only money but also our organs, such as, kidney, liver, retina etc-> we donate not only money but also our organs such as kidneys, livers, retinas etc

Good luck!

thank you very much for helping me
I will obey your suggestion

Hi,

I think "do" is missing in the "How we cope with these bad conditions?"
Also, I believe more explanantion on what the charity organizations are doing, how far they have gone and the gaps that still exist will make people appreciate the need to donate.

Thanks.

Omotoso Olukunle

Hi,
I wonder how I will finish this exam more impressive

Thanks...

The word "plenty" is not the same as many, but the way you use it makes me think you believe it is the same as many. Actually, we use plenty to mean we have more than we need, but we usually do not use it to talk about something we do not want. So, use "many" instead of "plenty" when you talk about bad things.

The answer is, of course, "yes," due to fact that nobody can know future. To give an ...

Owing to fact that any of us could be a disaster victim, we must donate.

What is more, we donate not only money but also our organs, such as, kidneys, livers, etc. Therefore, an ailing person can be cured with the use of our organ donation.


just keep collecting good phrases. You already have a good vocabulary, but read a little every day and memorie one great new way to say something you need to say. You write very well, very clearly, even if there are some errors.

:-)