Hi essayforum.com,
I am working on a journal that is given by my English teacher. I was looking for help on google and I found your web site. I found a thread with the same subject about "describe someone you admire", but my journal has an extra part which i have to tell how he/she has affected my life. Could you please check my journal? In fact, I don't know what should I call it, journal or essay.
I want to talk about a character in the movie "Troy", his name is Achilles.
He was the best in his country. He was brave, strong and ambitious. But he was modest. He was so strong in his fights. He was like a lion in every war. He was the great leader whom all the army depent on. But he had a warm heart of true love. He had the courage to sacrifice everything for the woman he loved. What I like most about him is his enthusiasm for his own will. He wanted his name to be legend and he did it.
I choose my nick name Hachillies, the combination of Achilles and my name. I found something I would want to be in him. I changed a lot from that. I restrain myself from weakness. I set the goal of my life to be a good leader in economic. I know that it would be hard. But I want to be like Achilles.
Thank you for help.
Hi, Hachilles!
I like your chose and arguments. You associate your personality with this hero. Great!!!
There are two things I think may be changed. In the first part of your journal/essay each sentence starts with "HE" and in the second part with "I". In this case repetition doesn't sound good. Try to rewrite your sentences. And the second thing to change is that your second part doen't fully explain why you want to be like him. Suggest two or three more arguments.
Good luck :))
Hi Puchina,
Thanks for your comment. I have to send my journal today. So I don't have enough time to make a good change unless I want to have some mistakes. :D.
As my vocabulary is limited, so that I could not make a good explaination in the second part. But I'm on my way improving my English skill and I hope to have your many helps in the future. Joining this forum was my good decision.
Hachillies.
I want to talk about a character in the movie Troy. His name is Achilles.
He was the great leader whom all the army depended on.
I changed a lot from because of that.
I set the goal of my life to be a good leader in field of economics.
I know that it would will be hard, but I want to be like Achilles.
:-)
Hi buddy,
i believe that u shud tel smethng more about achilles... And also that he was a great warrior but still had a weakness- Achilles' heel... Which tells u that no matter how strong u think urself to be, u always have a chance of improvement n also some sort of weakness...
- u need to just put some points in favour of achilles...the points u have stated r quite common..even napoleon, duke of waterloo, alexander the great, emperor asoka etc had these qualities... Tell something which was unique about him...go n google for Emperor asoka....u will know how brutal n ruthless he was as a king,but when he saw the dead bodies of his own warriors in a battle, his mind gets transformed...n how he becomes the promoter of Buddhism in India,Sri lanka ,Myanman n many place.. Achilles is a good choice..
Hi Susan and ajit,
As I mentioned, my vocabulary is poor now. In fact, I can't express all my ideas perfectly. Thank you for your help. I'm studying hard. I'll make another in the future, and you will be the very first people who I will give it to.
Sincerely yours,
