Music creates shared experience between people
Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Please help me know what I should improve and what the band I can get from this essay
It is often said that music has a power way to unite people, regardless of their cultural backgrounds and ages. I completely agree with this view and will give my reasons below.
Music has a high value which is entrenched in cultures in community around the world. Perhaps the best example would be Kpop trend. Everyone hadn't known much about Korea and its culture since Kpop became more popular. Kpop fans who live in some countries not only will find more information to understand their idols' life and culture but also network with foreign fans. They will be excited to share their feelings, their thoughts to every people, regardless of cultures and by that way, people who have the same idol will understand each other more and more. Beside the popularity of Kpop, US and UK music is other connection chance for people who live in the rest of the world.
Just as it transcend cultures, music has the ability to link people together from different generations. We can all enjoy a strong rhythm or a beautiful song and the best songs seem to have the same magical effect on us. This would explain why grandparents can dance and sing with their grandsons or granddaughters while listening to their both favourite melody. Furthermore, there are some messages in the song to encourage in strengthening a family relationship. For instance, in the Baby shark song, it has only few repeat sentences but still naturally comes in our heart and brings families together.
In conclusion, I believe that music is unique in its capacity to create shared experience between people, irrespective of culture and age.
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Your opening paragraph is not enough of a paraphrase for the examiner to see this as a properly developed restatement of the original prompt. It is still too similar to the original presentation. It is almost a word for word translation, rather than an explanation of the given topic. The explanation you give, is what will constitute your paraphrasing of the topic. You also should have indicated, after your degree of agreement with the topic, the 2 reasons that will be supporting your opinion. These will appear as the discussion outline for the direct opinion essay. It has to be indicated because it is referred to in the prompt.
The paraphrase section needs to have at least 3 sentences, or 5 at the most. You only wrote 2 sentences because your first sentence is a run-on. It is just an extremely long single sentence that should have been broken down into 2 more sentences. The same problem exists in your concluding paragraph. There is no clear discussion summary / paraphrase represented. It should contain the same sentence count at the prompt paraphrase (5 sentences maximum) and should repeat your opinion, reasons, and include a closing sentence. A single sentence is never considered a concluding paragraph. It is because of these problems that your TA scores will be affected negatively.
Failure to use a comma after a conjunction (rhythm, or a beautiful song...)
Noun phrase disagreement - both their favourite melody = ... favourite melodies
Do not use word of uncertainty in an opinion paper. It is either you are sure of your statement or not. There is no maybe or perhaps in the presentation.
Do not use contractions in a formal essay. Always use the two word presentation system (e.g. don't = do not)
Being your first essay, you can see that you have several errors that will greatly affect your score and prevent you from passing. It would be better if I hold off on scoring your work until your second or third essay, when you should have shown enough improvement for me to judge if you can pass the test or not.
(WARNING! STUDENT SCORING = SUSPENSION!)