IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Music
Topic: Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Music is widely perceived to have the power to unite and connect humans, irrespective of their cultural backgrounds and ages. I am, personally, in complete agreement with that notion.
In the first place, music could transcend cultural boundaries. Such a universal language is it that music could be absorbed by individuals from all four corners of the world. Furthermore, recent researches have indicated that the rhythm helps coordinate and synchronize the audience's body movements. As a result, a sense of group identity is created. For instance, a number of songs which are not written in the lingua franca, such as Despacito with Latin lyrics or Gangnam Style in Korean, have still taken the global entertainment industry by storm. Therefore, fans across continents are connected.
In addition, music has the capability of connecting generations. Despite the generation gap, the shared feelings among the listeners act as the social glue that augments social relationships. That is the underlying reason why a work of art like Happy Birthday song appears to evoke joyful reactions in both the young and the elderly. Also, in the coronavirus pandemic, various music marathons are organized in order to support frontline healthcare workers, first responders and convey messages of solidarity. Those virtual concerts were not only successful fundraising telethons but also the potent social glue. Hardly has any art form been able to be as a powerful unifier as music.
In conclusion, I believe that music has the unique capacity of bringing about social closeness, regardless of individual cultures and ages.
(Thank you for your comments)
I think that on the first paragraph you should change the words in order to avoid the first sentence to sound exactly like the question from the topic. You can relate what you are trying to say to a statement broadly related to what you are about to develop in the next two paragraphs, but not making it repetitive (regarding the topic question).
On the next paragraphs, you can try to unify both of your arguments in the first one and then use the second paragraph to expose an antithesis along with its arguments.
For the conclusion, you can restate your view after exposing both perspectives and provide more detail about why is it important or relate it to a current general situation.
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Let me start with the positives of your work.
Your first reasoning paragraph (2nd paragraph) is highly effective. While the grammar may not be perfect, you were able to convey your meaning, without confusing the reader too much. It also has a degree of coherence to the discussion based on your related topic presentations within the paragraph. However, you should avoid mentioning any reference to researched information. You should always make it clear that the information comes from public perception or a personal opinion in the presentation. Do not be afraid to use the first pronoun presentation format since the prompt mentions the word YOU, that is indicative of first pronoun usage throughout the essay.
The third paragraph (second reasoning paragraph) is a bit disconnected. There is no way you can connect the Happy Birthday Song with Covid 19. That paragraph comes across as forcing through and not really well developed. You should work on using only related topics per paragraph so further boos your C&C score.
Now for what you did wrong.
The paraphrasing is too rushed. You should have used 3-5 sentences in both the introduction and concluding paragraphs. The reason being that both paragraphs require you to properly restate the original prompt and discussion reasons. The difference being that the concluding paraphrase requires you to also present your personal opinion along with your reasoning topics. That would create a proper concluding paragraph for the essay. The way you have it presented now will not meet the requirements for a higher TA score.