Well, I am preparing for the SAT and I wonder if you guys , EF_Contributers and members , can give me some feedbacks and correct my Essay and grade it out of 6. Thanks for advance!!!
My Essay:
In a jungle of cement, people sharing ice-cold relationships are the marks of modern society set of values. At this level, successive setbacks make humanity aware of how fruitless individualism is. As far I am concerned, I see that individualism can be by no mean as effective as collectivity.
I do believe that some dilemmas cannot be solved without a close knit union between all members of the community. For instance "The Plague" by Albert Camus is a gripping tale of survival and resilience, of horror and madness and of the ways in which human kind, from doctors, to nurse, to fugitives, to vacationers confront death and poverty. In Oran, a coastal city in north Algeria, plague appeared and turned, rapidly, into an omnipresent reality. There was no room for hope without Men's united strong will, fraternity and compassion. With efforts combined, Oran survived finally, with a huge losses, and reborn after rising from ash and dust. Oran demonstrated through its brave people that persistence and dedication from a whole society is the only heal for such an uprooted evil.
Furthermore, I think that a combined human force is enough to preserve the vigor, the pride and the honor of a nation. That's why successful politicians and activists owe their success to the mass of a compact citizens .Winston Churchill through his two famous speeches "We Shall Fight On The Beaches" and "Blood, Toil, Tears and Sweat and" addresses to a British people , experiencing a state of grief, sorrow and stupefaction regarding the rapid collapse of Allies' forces against Nazis German invasion of Europe. He, the one who never lost his vision and foresight, rely on human resilience, resistance and unity. Besides, by a collaboration of intellectuals and labor forces he defeated the, so-called, invincible Germany and won , alongside the Allies, WWII. So, a strong united human capital is key ingredient to guide a nation from dark to light. Another example has to do with the fight for Civil Rights in the U.S. In fact, "The Bill Of Rights" written in the late 1600s was a giant a stride for the U.S in the road of Democracy, liberalism and freedom. This dream, which comes true, was achieved by a cooperative work including lawyers, social activists, law pundits, politician, journalists and citizens. It demonstrates how vital the combination of forces was for U.S. modern history.
To conclude, I must underline the fact that every collective work has its limitation but success, glory and achievements remains eternally the fruit of combined forces. So, individuality, no matter how proficient it may be, cannot match the quality of collective work and perform brighter.
is the only healcure for such an uprooted evil.
politicians and activists owe their success to the mass of a compact citizens
by athanks to a collaboration of intellectuals and labor forces he defeated the, so-called, invincible Germany
So, a strong united human capital is the key ingredient to guide a nation from dark to light.
In fact, "The Bill Of Rights" written in the late 1600s was a giant a stride for the U.S in the road of Democracy, liberalism and freedom.
You need to write more from a realistic (not literary / legendary) point of view. 'The Plaque' is a novel, a story, which presents the idealistic (but not very real) nature of people. The presidential speeches are motivational tales, but they are just words and besides emotions they don't create anything useful.
To be serious about your research, you should focus on the historical aspects of socialism / communism movement and how it failed to deliver what's been promised. At first sight, the ideas of collectivism are great but humans will never be perfect and the corrupt element / laziness / cutting corners / lack of integrity will always prevail. Out of 10 people, 2-3 are very hard-working and honorable, the rest may not be. It's not sustainable to build something stable when only 20-30% of the building blocks do their job well and are trustworthy, and the rest live off the fruit of these 20-30%.
