TOEFL essay - New theater in the neighborhood. Sugesstions?

It has recently been announced that a new movie theater may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

Entertainment plays an important role in people's lives. Many people spend their free time in watching movies. It is a great news to hear about the recent announcement that a new movie theater is going to be built in our neighborhood. I feel good because it will be easier for me to travel and it makes our area safe.

First of all, having a new theater close to our house is better because it will reduce travel time. For instance, I was living in a town called Razole in India,which was not very well developed. We do not have any entertainment areas such as parks, recreation center, and amusement parks. Whenever I wanted to travel along with my family to spend my free time. I needed to travel a longer distance which is frustrating and tiring. On the other hand, if a new theater is built close to my apartment. It will reduce the stress of traveling a longer distance and I can spend more time with family. So, this news makes me happier that a new theater is built near my home.

Second, entertainment center near my neighborhood is better because it creates a safe environment. If a public entertainment center is built, there will be an increased security. For example, a movie theater has been built near my friend's house in Woburn MA. She mentioned me that police officers and the security management used to guide the people in which way they need to go and which place is safe to park their cars. Before the movie theater has not been built, people near their house were exposed to theft and car break-in. Ever since the theater was built they were experiencing safety and leading a stress-free life. For this reason, I believe that building a theater near my apartment provides me a safe dwelling environment.

All in all, building a new theater near my neighborhood has advantages such as reducing my travel time and creating a safe environment in my neighborhood rather than disadvantages. So, I encourage everyone to experience these advantages for having a theater nearby and have fun with your families.

r house is better ...[ is good idea]
On the other hand, if a new theater is built close to my apartment. It will reduce the stress ..[..my apartment, It will reduce ..]
stress-free life [ stress-less life]

good job Joydoc;)

it will be easier for me to travel and it makes our area safer .
having a new theater closes to
if a new theater is built closes to my
the stress of traveling due to a longer distance
thisis a great newsmakes me happier that

Greetings Joydoc,
I am sure it's for the independence writing of Toefl exam, right?

I can't help but notice your response is a little short. Normally, we will make 3 points to illustrate our opinion. However, if you have two very strong arguments, that will do. By the word strong, I mean you have to have examples to support your points.

You have included some details but it's not enough. Most importantly, your details must have more connections with your point. For example, you think it will take you less time to find entertainment, but you did not point out the direct connection.

What's more, if you do want to score a nice grade, you should try to avoid some simple sentences, Entertainment plays an important role in people's lives. Many people spend their free time in watching movies.

Good luck with the exam.

hello joy,
this is my suggestion for your essay.

I feel good because it will be easier for me to travelit will shorthen my travel time and it makes our areamore safelysafe . (try to elaborate and use advance word)

Second, entertainment center near my neighborhood will give benefit to raise up the security level in my environment. is better because it creates a safe environment.If a public entertainment center is built, there will be an increased security . For example, a movie ...

thank you

Thanks everyone for your valuable suggestions. I really appreciate them.