[ Writing task 1 ] The number of cell phone subscribers in a particular city by gender

I'm currently self-studying because I don't have much budget in the Covid-19 situation. Could you guys fix my essay and estimate my band score, please? Thank you very much!

summarize the information from the graph

The line graph provides information about how many men and women in Marysville paid for mobile phone services over a period of 20 years.

It is noticeable that there were considerable increases in the figures for subscribers of mobile phones during the 20-year period. In 2015, the number of men spending on mobile services outweighed the number of women who did the same thing.

In the year 1995, 500 men expended on mobile phones while the figure for women was around 510 people. Over the following 10 years, the numbers of subscribers for both genders saw significant rises. By 2005, the proportions for both male and female subscribers had reached to 2500 people.

From 2005 to 2015, there was a steady increase in the number of men subscribing to mobiles, while the figure for women fell and subsequently remained stable. Finally, in 2015, approximately 2600 females paid for mobile phones, and around 2200 females spent on those gadgets.

• 
  task11.png
  

When writing the summary overview, use more seperate sentences since seperate information is being presented. There will be more clarity and easier to remember presentations that way. Do not indicate a compressed year reference at this point. The clear year to year reference is required. Year reference variations work better in the actual report paragraphs. It creates more LR variation in those paragraph presentations in relation to scores.

The writer needs to build on his synonym usage for LR and GRA scoring purposes. He is limited to orginal keyword usage which indicates a limited English vocabulary. Better vocabulary will also allow him to further expand his discussion to a more acceptable 3 sentences per paragraph.

For someone engaged in self-study, the writer has done an admirable job. There is room for improvement. I hope to continue guiding him in his learning process.

first, I think you could give several comparative structures, which helps you more score for GRAMMATICAL RANGE for example, women have almost as many cell phones joiners as males, with 2500 members in 2005.

the second, you forgot a information that male subscribes stay the same value before increasing from 2005 to 2010.
the third, "the numbers of subscribers for both genders" ,although you talk about 2 genders, it's general figure so that you just write " number"

Over the period of 20 years, starting in 1995.
I think that clause "there were considerable increases" is wrong. Just write "there was a considerable increase" because increase is an uncountable noun. Similar to "rises"