The number of graduates and postgradutes in Britain in terms of the work they did after study

Destination of UK graduates and postgradutes in 2008

The given bar charts compare the number of graduates and postgradutes in Britain in terms of the work they did after they had finished their study at college excluding full-time job in 2008.

It is clear that UK graduates who didn't have a full-time work were likely to continue their study after leaving college. Further study was the most common choice for both groups, while only a small quantity of UK leavers chose voluntary to work after graduating.

In 2008, the number of UK graduates deciding to study further was highest, at 29,665. Meanwhile, only 2,725 postgradutes chose to continue to take a course in Britain. Voluntary was the least prevalent option for both groups ,with only 3,500 and 345 people deciding to work this activity respectively.

In the same year,the quantity of UK graduates getting a part-time job stood at 17,735 students, whereas the figure for UK postgradutes was significantly lower, at 2,535. There was 16,235 graduates who were jobless in Britain, exceeding the number of UK postgradutes , whích had only 1,625.

Please correct my paragraph If I have mistakes. And let me know which band score I can get in this essay. Thanks in advance.

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Hien, I found this essay to be highly confusing. lacking in a clear singular trending sentence, and not really informative in terms of the proper use of the data from the bar graph. You need to work on clarity and coherence in your work in order to score higher than a 4, which is the score that I believe this essay might receive in an actual setting. Let's start at the top in analyzing your essay alright?

In the first paragraph, You have only 1 long sentence representing the illustration overview. You need to have at least 3 sentences here but no more than 5 as per the C&C requirements for these essays. So the proper information to present needs to be split up into short but informative sentence. Hence:

A bar chart has been provided for comparison purposes. The comparison is based on the number of graduates and post graduates who go on to different fields after graduation. These fields cover part-time and voluntary work along with further study or unemployment. The graph represents the year 2008. As per the trend, it appears that further study was the most popular destination for the graduates and post graduates that year.

Now, for clarity purposes, since you have 3 remaining paragraphs with which to present the information from the graph, you should have presented it in the following manner:

1. Information for the graduate graph
2. Information for the post graduate graph
3. Highest and lowest points comparison from both graphs.

This presentation will make sure that you meet the 4 paragraph requirement for the explanation presentation that contains the maximum 5 sentence requirement or the 3 sentence minimum requirement.

Remember, you are paraphrasing the information from the original image. So you cannot miss a single factual data in the presentation. You should also be as clear as possible in presenting the information. Make sure that they reader will clearly understand the purpose and information you are providing as a restatement. The version you have chosen to present lacks in coherence and clarity. Most likely because you were not able to properly outline to presentation. Which the information you presented was not as effective nor as informative as it could have been.