IELTS2 : a number of individuals want to have children later in their life - Reasons and Effects

Hi everybody, I hope you guys can spend a little time to help me check and grade my Ielts writing task 2. Thanks a bunch !
Ex : Men and women are having children late in life. what are the reason for this development? What are the effects on society and family life?

Parent's Age Effect on Child

In the modern life, there is a popular claim that many people currently decide to give birth to the children when they are young, until they get older instead. I believe this idea makes sense, therefore I would like to express my opinions about the reasons for this tendency and it's impacts on both individuals and society.

Let me begin by pointing out several reasons why a number of individuals want to have children later in their life. Firstly, when they are still young, they do not have enough mature to act as role models for their children. They frequently have more interested in enjoying their eagerness such as travelling or playing games than tending children. Secondly, people who are at the early stage of their career customarily have lower income than theirs when they are older. Therefore, they get involved in stabilizing their job and accumulating enough money to ensure a better life for their children. For instance, many couples endeavor to achieve a high position in prestigious companies before tying themselves to the responsibilities as full-time mothers or fathers.

We also cannot deny the fact that this development brings both negative and positive impacts on society as well as family life. About pessimistic effects, having children later would make a significant age gap between two generations. This leads to a reality that it is tough for the parents to understand their offspring' s pattern of behavior and communicate with them. Furthermore, the children physical health may be badly affected if the parents are too old. Granted, both the children and society could benefit from this tendency. To Illustrate, the children could definitely enhance their inner talents and abilities without any sufferings resulted from malnutrition or money insufficiency.

To conclude, there are some reasons why many people prefer to have children later in their life and this tendency could have a number of impacts, both positive and negative.

Son, this is a direct response essay. As such, your reasons or discussion outline should be presented at the end of the paragraph paraphrase as the thesis statement / discussion points. This allows the reader to understand what the flow of discussion will be and what topics for discussion will be presented. Unfortunately, your sentences and paragraphs are so badly developed that the reader is unable to immediately understand what you are trying to say.

For instance, your opening paragraph is highly confusing:


- The thing is that the discussion is about people are deciding to have children later in life. This particular presentation has conflicting statements. There is no reference to people wanting to have children when they are younger. The reference is when they are older in life. You cannot use the phrase "decide to give birth to children when they are young, until they get older." The proper presentation should indicate only " when they get older".

Your full discussion is, like I said, confusing and irrelevant to the discussion. When the TA considerations are considered, the essay will not get a score higher than a 4. Add to that the also low scores for C&C, LR, and GRA, and you will have a non-passing score for this essay presentation. Before you can write a good essay in English, you first have to understand what the topic is about and how you are being asked to discuss it. At this point, it is clear that you cannot do either.

Here is a suggestion, for your next practice test, don't write an essay in response to it immediately. Read the samples from other students first. Learn about how they wrote it, what mistakes they made and how to avoid it. Then go and read your prompt again and approach the writing from the point of view of someone who is clear about what he has to write about. That is how you can best learn how to improve your Task 2 writing skills.

Thank you so much @Holt ! I will try my best in the next time !