The number of user who access differently to the two new music sites - IELTS Writing Task 1

The line graph presents the number of user who access differently to the two new music sites measured within 15 days. Overall, it can be seen that the most popular music website visited by user is Pop Parade website, while Music Choice website becomes more competitive in just couple days.

A closer look from data at the first day to seventh day, more user attempted to access Pop Parade website rather than Music Choice website in corresponding time. Nevertheless, reduction of visitors still occur by the end of period on day 7, where at starting point on day 1 approximately from 120.000 drop to 38.000 visitors. During the same period of time, the figure for Pop Parade website decreased slightly about 20.000 within seven days.

Eventually, by the last period on day 15, the number of Pop Parade visitors hit a peak roughly 165.000. However, the figure for Music Choice in past three days between day 12 and 14 competitively surpass the number of Pop Parade visitors only within a few days.

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Akmal, I did some contributions towards your essay. I hope you can mind the corrections below.

- ...access differently to thedifferent two new music sites...
- ...measured within 15 daysin thousands.('000s means thousands, and remember, the axis which usually measured is Y axis.)
- it can be seen that, (comma needed) the most...
- ...atfrom the first day to...
- ...more userusersattemptedtempted to access...
- ...by the end of the period...
- During the same period of timeredundant
- ...website decreaseddecreases slightly about... (Tense confusion, previously you seems decided to use present form)

Moreover, Akmal, Keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. So the third paragraph still needs work.

With regards to... (1st sentence)
Eventually,... (2nd sentence)
However,... (3rd sentence)

Hi, Akmal!

Here is my suggestion..

for this sentence below:
"...where at starting point on day 1 approximately from 120.000 drop to 38.000 visitors"

I think it is better to be rearrange like the example below:
... where it drops from approximately 120.000 at the starting point (day 1) to 38.000 visitors.

Hy, Akmal.

I thought that "the number of user" has different meaning with "the number of visits".
Then, "who access differently to the two new music sites", it should be "two different new music sites".

Sorry, if I'm confused about it.