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IELTS- Number of visits to the two new music sites - fifteen days period


luanawars 1 / -  
Jan 29, 2014   #1
The line graph illustrates the quantity of visitors in two distinct music sites over a fifteen days period. Overall, the Music Choice website had less visitors than the Pop Parade.

In the first day, there was a significant difference between the number of visits to these two websites. The Music Choice started with 40000 visitors, whereas the Pop Parade had 120000 on this same day. The Music Choice's number of visits increased and decreased many times during the days, when it finally overtook the number of visitors of Pop Parade from day 11 to 13 , reaching around 120000 visitors. The Pop Parade's number of visits was pratically always higher than the other website, except from the eleventh to thirteenth day.

In the last day, Pop Parade ended with more than 160000 visits, while the Music Choice's number of visits was lower, about approximately 8000 visitors.
The most popular music site is certainly the Pop Parade, which received a greater number of visits in almost everyday over the observed period.

znack 7 / 31 5  
Jan 29, 2014   #2
Hi

the quantity of visitors

never write like this,visitors could be only the numbers!!!!

fifteen days period

When is your period? mention a year.

the number of visits

again, you have to use amount with visits.

this same

the same

during the days

throughout the time scale or period.

The most popular music site is certainly the Pop Parade, which received a greater number of visits in almost everyday over the observed period.

good conclusion!
Try to focus on verb instead of subjects of your graph.
Think while you write,you can write:
Parade's number of visits was pratically always higher than the other website, except from the eleventh to thirteenth day.
or
People more frequently visited Pop Parade's website than the Music Choice in the most of the period with the exception for last three days.

Good luck,your writing is good.
Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Jan 29, 2014   #3
Where is the graph? It's good to have it for us to have a look at before making comments on your writing. Use "Attach file(s)" feature in the Message block to upload your graph,

You need to improve the structure for this task. This is the out line;
1. Introduce the graph
2. Write an Overview ( just main observations without any details like data)
3. Details


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