Numbers of first-year teachers hired in some language schools in Canada

The line graph gives information about the percentage of hired job for language teachers in Ontario based on the years of graduation from 2001 to 2007. According to the graph, there was a slight increase in the percentage of French-language teachers, meanwhile the percentage of English-language teachers declined dramatically. Overall, the percenage of French-language teachers was higher than another.

In 2001, the percentage of French-language teachers stood at seven in ten. In the next year, it dipped by 23% to 52% and went up again to 68% in 2003. Over the next four-year period, there was a slight increase in the percentage. In 2007, the percentage reached a peak at 75%.

In contrast, the percentage of English-language teachers hit the highest point to three-quarters. Then, it dropped dramatically and bottomed at 40% in 2003. In the next following year, there was a slight increase of 5%, eventhough it fell gradually by 20%, from 45% in 2005 to 25% in 2007. (160 words)

Hi Miss Septi.
Don't forget to attach a picture relating to your data so that others can give feedback totally.
Septi, please let me finalize your writing to boost your score in the written section .

... job for language teachers AS FRESH GRADUATE in Ontario based ...
According to the graph, OVERALL, IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT there was a slight (...) teachers, meanwhile ("Meanwhile" is a transitive word. It is put at the first sentence and used to merge two sentences because that is not a conjunction) WHILE the percentage of English-language ...

Overall, FURTHERMORE, the percenage PERCENTAGE (be careful of misspelling as that is one of major mistakes) of French-language teachers ...

In 2001 INITIALLY, the percentage RATE of French-language teachers stood at seven in tenTHS. In the next FIRST TWO yearS, it dipped by 23% to 52% RESPECTIVELY and went up ...

Over the next four-year period, there was a slight increase in the percentage. In 2007, the percentage reached a peak at 75%.(Trust me, you cannot reach the score more 6 because you passed a prompt in the writing task 1. keep in your mind that your job is to compare the figures, don't describe the figures separately. It is not attractive. Please, you have a bravery to do it)

Turning to the second body paragraph, you still described the data separately. Well, you can inform the data to readers, but it did not seem interesting. You are supposed to compare the figures of french and English teachers. you have to conduct like that if you wanna reach the score more than 6.

Please, you review my suggestions to improve your writing.
I personally believe that you can boost your skill if you wanna read the examples of writing task1 and practice more and more.
keep spirit
GOOD LUCK :D