measures can be taken to tackle this problem?
Nowadays,a lot of people who are sent to jail or have to endure other judical sanctions for the first time get on with their criminal activities after dismounting their penalty.In this essay I will try to find possible reasons for such a devastating situation and offer solutions about what can be done to reverse this adverse development.
How is it possible that perpetrators are not learning from their mistakes when this is the intended aim of a sentence?I am sure that when they receive their punishment they feel both angry and frustrated and blame society for this.Furthermore,they feel like outcasts which lost their status quo in normal life.If they go to jail they also encounter other criminals with which they then will develop friendships.This would create a vicious circle that builds the foundation for all subsequent misbehaviour.
What can be done to cope with this issue?I am pretty sure that society plays a key role in the solution of this problem.And by society I mean every single one of us.We should neither degrade,belittle or despise them nor bear or show condescension for them.For instance,if a first time offender is released and applies for work,the potencial employer should not exclude the possibility of hiring such a person and concede him or her the equal opportunities respectively chances,as every other applicant,to get the job.Furthermore,judges should be more lenient towards first offenders,especially when they are relatively young.
In conclusion,when it comes to prevent perpetrators of a crime from conducting a second one we as a society should make all possible efforts in order to support and reintegrate these people.In a strong,healthy and prosperous community everyone is needed.Therefore,we must try everything that is possible to stop first offenders from repeating a crime.
I am Rudi(rodiwo)from Germany currently living and working in Vietnam.
I post this essay because I want to be able to work as an English teacher in emerging countries in the future.
Therefore,I am aiming for a band score 7 at my IELTS exam at the end of this year.
I produced this essay by looking up many words in regards of meaning and spelling ,and I didn't care about the used/spent time.
Because I mainly focus on preparing myself for the test right now.
I think this is approximately the level I can reach in a few months.
I will,of course,balance out my receiving and contribution.
Thank you guys for making this here possible.
woa! i have to admit that your essay is so well structured using a wide range of vocabulary. perhaps you can get band 6.5-7.
however, i think that you will be pleased if i point out some of errors in your essay.
possible ------>attainable/conceivable/feasible/viable/achievableYou need to replace this word with above series of corresponding words
For instance,if a first time offender is released and applies for work,----> you need to check this grammer error, it's not correct.
In conclusion,when it comes to prevent perpetrators of a crime from conducting
athe second one, we, as a society , should make all possible effortscoordinate concerted efforts in order to support and reintegrate these people
Hope you find my suggestions useful :)
Oh, if you would like to achieve band 7, you have to work much harder and harder, because in real IELTS exam, you have to consider both time and your essay. So, i think that you need to gradually get to your upper band by assessing your contemporary band through mock test rather than trying to use many academic words although you do not understand their meaning so well and you don't study adequately grammer.
But do not worry because PRACTICES MAKE YOU PERFECT :) i believe you can do it, just try hard :)
Hi Rudi, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, here, we aim to provide you with the most comprehensive feedback and detailed analysis of your work, for you to be able to submit a well written essay. We will also guide you to proper writing techniques and discover your love, not only in writing but also in reading and acquiring further understanding towards the English language.
Now, IELTS is definitely one standard body of English examination that is quiet challenging, however, with your determination and continuous dedication to master the craft,the necessary IELTS band that you aim for should be easy breezy.
Having said that, first thing that I notice in your essay is how you wrote the prompt, you were not able to properly indicate it in the essay and since this is your first essay, you will can get pass this today. Next, the way you approached the essay is rather manageable, you made sure that the group of words depict the right idea that you are trying to convey to your readers.
You were also able to create a realistic profile and it definitely pays when you focus and include current events to your article.
Overall, it is necessary to do a research in each and every topic that you write about, this will not only show you the relevance of the topic to todays world and happenings but,as what you have learned, it also showed you the right techniques, words and spelling of each word that you associate in your essay. Now, as much as I want to rate your essay according to IELTS band, I will not be able to, as we are EF contributors and we can only rate your writing according to how you use the English language and how you manage to associate the rules in your essay. For this essay, I will give you 8, this is because, you did not only create a fairly written essay but you also made effort in preparing the answer to the prompt.
Wow.Thank you,justivy03,I highly appreciate your judgement since you are such a skilled and experienced writer.Yes,it is my first essay in English.In the last 3 months I mainly focussed on the listening and reading parts,because you are there immediately able to evaluate your current level.In both I score constantly at least a 7.Now I am turning the focus on writing and speaking.I still have 5 months left to prepare myself,and I am in the fortunate position to spend up to 3 hours daily on learning English.I happily notice that my learning is effective and that my knowledge of the English language steadily grows.
Thank you again for encouraging me to keep on writing essays and for strengthening the love for the English language which I already feel.
Hi Rudi, reaching band 7 is not really difficult if you keep practicing regularly. Therefore, I have some additional suggestions for you in order to improve your writing, especially in IELTS. I hope you can follow through my feedback.
- I do agree with above-mentioned comments related to your content and ideas. Yet, I have different point of view related to punctuation usage. If you have IELTS writing band descriptor from IELTS.org, you will see this "may make frequent grammatical errors and punctuation may be faulty; errors can cause some difficulty for the reader". That is one of the criteria which indicates that your essay can only reach band 5 in grammatical range and accuracy part. Why? It is because that you forgot to give 1 space after a period or a comma. Perhaps, it looks simple, but it also becomes marking criteria. Just be more careful in the next practice.
- This sentence "In this essay I will try to find possible reasons for such a devastating situation and offer solutions about what can be done to reverse this adverse development." can be considered as "lack of overall progression"(another band 5 criteria for coherence and cohesion part) . You need to remember that if you want to reach band 6 or above, you need to mention what are those "possible reasons / solutions"? Mention it briefly by only stating the keywords or key-phrase. Let me give it a try:
>> Firstly, this essay will discuss the fact that offenders feel frustrated due to this devastating situation and secondly, discuss how can society play a key role to solve this problem.
- It is not suggested or I don't think that re-questioning the prompt would be a better topic sentence. Your body paragraph shouldn't start by using question as your topic sentence. Topic sentence is usually a statement, a general statement in a single sentence which related to the topic.
- Lastly, personal pronouns usage are okay but too much personal pronouns would not be good. It will make the essay less formal. You are suggested to write by using personal pronouns in the introduction and concluding paragraph only. Try to not use them in body paragraphs like what you've done before.
I hope this helps. Good luck for the next practice :)
Hi Rudi, its great to read your words of appreciation towards our craft here on EF and we will definitely be here for you whenever you need us. Now, learning the English language, its rules and usage is absolutely challenging, however, I can assure you that the benefits of mastering the craft is very rewarding, not to mention is boosts confidence, you can walk head up high and talk to different people using the English language and it will help you better your understanding towards life.
As you know it, practice is the best way we can get better, not only in writing and exercising the language but also in anything we do in life. Also, it will help if you try to explore different strokes in writing, different approach, a more creative way to express your ideas and this will broaden your perspectives in writing.
Overall, you have a great deal of management in your writing and I hope that you continue to strive and ail for greater heights of education, should you need some advice and reviewers we are here for you.
Thanks for your suggestion on my essay, I really appreciate it,
So, Here my some corrections:
I am sure that when they receive their punishment they feel
both angry and frustrated and blame society for this.Maybe you should write : I am sure that when they receive their punishment, they feel angry, stressful, and feeling blame to society.
- If they go to jail they also encounter other criminals with which they then will develop friendships. If they are in the/a jail, they are possibly to make friend with other criminals.
- What can be done to cope with this issue?I am pretty sure that society plays a key role in the solution of this problem. You can say : A term solution to this predicament is rely on society.
- And by society I mean every single one of us.We should neither degrade,belittle or despise them nor bear or show condescension for them.Individuals should be more concern about being respect each other.
I hope those will be a useful correction for you.