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The official forbiddance of smoking in public places - IELTS writing practice task 2 academic

lhy1216 2 / 4 2  
Oct 19, 2017   #1
There is evidence that inhaling cigarette smoke causes health problems not only for smokers but for non-smokers who inhale other peoples smoke.
In view of this, smoking should be banned in all public places, even though this would restrict some people's freedom of action.
What are your views?
Give reasons for your answers and include any examples. Write at least 250 words.

Smoking ban in public places

The fact that smoke from cigarette not only harms the respiratory system of smokers but also that of passive smokers, leading to a suggestion of smoking ban in publicly used areas. While some people see this ban as restriction of freedom of action, I do not share the same point of view and in this essay, I will be presenting information that will help to support my opinion.

To begin with, it is noted that prohibiting smoking is only applicable to the public area, but not any of the private place, such as bars and restaurants, as these places are privately managed by its executives. If this law had implemented, people who wish to smoke can still have the rights to do so, and thus, not impeding their liberty.

Apart from that, undeniably, smokers have fewer places to choose for taking the tobacco. Yet, the rule on smoking is in fact concerning a greater issue: the well-being of most citizens. Health issues have always been the worldwide matter, but this requires actions from everyone. It seems to me that it is worthwhile to sacrifice or limit a small portion of people's choices on where to smoke, maintaining the health of most of our valued citizens.

To conclude, making smoking in the open areas illegal would be a smart decision when we put the healthiness of the majority into our first priority, because smokers contribute only a small part of our population, and these people can still smoke in other personal sites. The lawmakers should also understand that protecting people's health is far more important than fulfilling the will of a small percentage of people.

(274 words)

ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Oct 19, 2017   #2
restriction of freedom of action

reword this. For example: "...limits freedom"

I will be presenting information that will help to support my opinion

it is always a good idea to write a blueprint. Just, in a few words, mention the reasons why you have this particular opinion. This way you can connect the introduction to the body and the reader will know what he/she is going to read.

the public areaplaces

such as bars and restaurants

these are not private places? are they?

as these places are privately managed by its executives

No, this sentence is irrational. You cannot name such places as "private" places. They are private businesses, but still public.

managed by its theirexecutives

Good job.
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,828 2626  
Oct 20, 2017   #3
Lee, I have an opposing point of view from the poster above when it comes to the consideration of your essay discussion. For me, you have discussed the topic in an uncommon way, which shows logic and reasoning on your part. The fact that you found a loophole in the "public" smoking places such as "privately owned" bars and other areas, shows that you know the laws of your land and how it applies to people. Of course a bar, though public in its service, is privately owned and as such, can mandate their own rules when it comes to the smoking ban. Although, their rules will have to be based on the national law. Good job! I would score you highly on your TA section for this test. You were able to argue the essay from a new angle not done before at this forum and perhaps, in the actual test.

The only problem that I see with your discussion, is the way you paraphrased the original prompt. Since there is a 3 sentence minimum requirement per paragraph, your opening paraphrase did not fulfill that instruction. Your last sentence should have been separated into 2 because you presented 2 different ideas within a single sentence. Your point of view is one sentence, the discussion method, is another independent sentence. That way, the run-on sentence could have been avoided and the sentence requirement would have been met.

As for the concluding statement, this is only meant to recap the discussion in order to remind the reader of the preceding information. What you did was continue the discussion in the closing part. That means, you are not closing the essay. Just saying "to conclude" but without summarizing the previous information doesn't signify a closed discussion. This is an open ended essay waiting for the proper concluding statement.
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Oct 20, 2017   #4
"privately owned" bars and other areas,

Thanks Holt for your comment. I did not mean that the discussion is wrong, the choice of words was a bit confusing. Privately owned bars, or private businesses, are different from private place. That's my opinion.
LadyOfClockwork 25 / 79 20  
Oct 21, 2017   #5
Hi, I'd like to make a correction for you.

...because smokers contribute make up only a ...

You meant smokers are only a small part of our population, didn't you? If so, "contribute" is incorrect. You should have used "make up", "account for", "compose", etc.

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