opinions and ideas of elder generation
Hi dear members, I wrote an IELTS essay and I am not sure if all expressions, sentences and words are proper enough.
The older generations tend to have very traditional ideas about how people should live, think and behave. However, some people believe that these ideas are not helpful in preparing younger generations for modern life. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?
People are discussing whether advice and ideas given by elder generations are still useful nowadays, in my opinion, indeed, some old opinions are still working for now, but with the era changing, new ideas for modern life should not be neglected either.
On the one hand, old suggestions and advice reflects many splendid characteristics. For example, old opinions that people are supposed to work hard and earn by themselves reflect the importance of being diligent and hard-working. That kind of opinion is a symbol of self-restricting and higher ethical standards which are not allowed to be abandoned by us. What's more, old opinions are always tested by years and years. May be sort of them express an outdated and conservating value system, but a lot of them are trying to guide people for an easier life without useless discovery of faults and mistakes. To conclude, some of the old opinions should be reserved and the younger generation are supposed to follow.
On the other hand, some of them are not suitable for modern life nowadays. Firstly, with eras changing, the society nowadays resembles a little it used to be. In modern life, citizens are more arguing for freedom, diversity and creative ideas, but not old conservatism. That's why many twitters expressing traditional value systems are declined and criticised by young people on the Internet, considering the total disagreement of old views on women, children and occupations. Besides, many traditional ideas express discrimination bout identities, salaries and classes. One vivid examplar is that the famous case of American married gay couple being refused to reserve wedding cake from a cakeshop. This traditional and provincial value system was criticised and the couple sued the shop to the supreme court of the States. To conclude, I argue that not every traditional ideas should be accepted by people nowadays.
In conclusion, although old opinions and ideas sometimes are symbols of ethical standards and well-experienced, people's value system should not be restricted by provincial ideas but distinguishing various views and try to find out suitable ones.
THANK YOU!!
I would say you made some mistake in word choice on top of grammatical errors as following:
1. "with the era changing" => in such an ever-changing era
2. old suggestions and advices reflects many ...
3. AN old opinion IS that people ... REFLECTS the importance ...
4. you shouldn't use "What's more" in academic writing, use "Additionally/Furthermore" for amplification instead.
5. "To conclude, some..." => Should use "Therefore" instead.
6. ..., citizens are MORE yearning for .... THAN old conservatism"
7. "That's why many.." => you should use "That IS why..."
8. "Besides, many traditional ideas " => wrong usage of "Besides" =>use "Beside" as a transitional word , "Besides" for PREPOSITION
9. " One vivid examplar is that.." => Use "For Instance/ for example/ in fact" instead; you shouldn't add such a formal word like EXAMPLAR in your essay as your essay is full of NEUTRAL words.
10. "This traditional and provincial value system was criticised" => To what extent was it criticised? => This ... was HEAVILY criticised
11. ... system was heavily criticised, putting the shop at risk of being sued by the couple"
12. ... by provincial ideas. Instead, they should look at them at different angles and select suitable ones.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15393 Whether you are taking the pencil or CBT test, it is always better for you to stick to the 275-290 word allowance. That is because the focus of the examiner is not on the number of words that you are writing but rather, on the proper use of vocabulary, clarity of your explanations, and your skill in forming proper English sentences. Based on my assessment of your work, you failed to deliver on the required elements and over delivered on the word count. You are focusing on the incorrect aspect of Task 2 writing.
For starters, you developed an incorrect response to the given discussion question:
DI: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?
Response: in my opinion, indeed, some old opinions are still working for now, but with the era changing, new ideas for modern life should not be neglected either.
The appropriate response would have been to provide a weighted argument based on either a support or non support of the given discussion topic. Your total essay showed that you were not capable of delivering a clear opinion and defending it within the 2 reasoning paragraphs. Perhaps you are not familiar with the discussion approaches within the task 2 essays? This particular essay requires you to deliver an emotional response to the given question. Use a creative way of delivering the strength of your support or opposition to the given topic. You have to deliver a clear point of view otherwise, your TA score will be in the lower scoring bracket. You have an incorrect approach to the given discussion topic and question.
Take a position, defend it using reasoning and examples within 2 separate topic paragraphs. That is how the reasoning portion of the essay should have been presented. The defense of your point of view is all that matters in singular opinion essays such as these. Convince the examiner that your point of view is believable. It doesn't need to be correct, there are no right or wrong answers here. There is only a reference to your personal point of view.
Based on your writing errors, it appears that you forgot to double check your paper for errors prior to submission. So based on the additional errors, I do not see you passing this test with this kind of writing.
Spelling errors:
conservating (wrong vocabulary) - conservative (traditional beliefs or thinking)
examplar - example
bout - about (... express discrimination About identities...)
(These errors could have easily been caught through proof-reading_
Grammar:
.. was criticised and the couple sued (requires a comma between clauses) - was criticised, and the couple....
Avoid using contractions in academic writing because it affects the formality of the written presentation:
What's - What is
That's - That is
Punctuation Conventions:
Comma usage for clarity before the word "and": ... women, children , and occupations .../ identities, salaries, and classes... / ... freedom, diversity, and creative ...
Never forget to double check the content of your essay. Be eagle eyed in reference to:
- Spelling errors
- Punctuation errors
- Prompt responsiveness
- Proper paraphrasing with a minimum of 3 sentences in the introduction and concluding paragraphs