Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0] - SERVICES
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 7

IELTS: Which should be the ones to teach children into good citizens? Parents or Schools?


stream_xu 3 / 6 2  
Oct 28, 2013   #1
Directions:
Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

When children gradually enter the age of adolescence, some parents who hope to educate their kids into good members of the community, are becoming upset unprecedentedly. Yet, it is debated on a world-wide scale on who should take the responsibility to bring children onto the right track.

Teaching children to be qualified members of society is doomed to be the task of parents, as is claimed by some people. They are convinced that parents were the first teachers for children when they were born, and they always will be. On a larger sense, the schools are the alternatives from parents.

Believing that schools should play the most pivotal role in perfecting children, others are opposing the point of view that it should be parents rather than schools to take responsiblity in it. They explain that schools provide the environment which is the epitome of the real society, enabling students to improve communication skills and resilience that are crucial for future survival.

From my perspective, I am a supporter on the effect of schools. Firstly, to generate a real surrounding for children instead of letting them do what they want is the distinctive difference from education they received at home. Parents tend to show tolerance towards children, offering the so-called unconditional love, which is, unfortunately, an obstacle for the children to get fitted to the outside world. Secondly, the school serve as a platform for students to identify who they are, what they want and how to make a change independently after a succession of events. Encountered with failures as they are, students may have a chance to make a retrospect of what they have done and figure out how to cope with these issues, therefore they will adapt to the life of society more promptly in the future. The precious experience they gain at schools, however, is almost impossible to be obtained from their parents.

In conclusion, although parents have been the guardians and guides of children since their birth, they cannot be compared with schools in terms of nourishing kids into good social members. All in all, schools are the ones that ought to bear the burden of training children for they are the main arena for students to experience the real society.

Pahan 1 / 1,912 553  
Oct 28, 2013   #2
When children gradually enter the age of adolescence, some parents who hope to educate their kids into good members of the community, are becoming upset unprecedentedly.

This is your hook. It needs to have two main qualities - Interesting and Relevant. I find this one is not relevant to your prompt. Have a look at the prompt;

You need to discuss whether it is the parents or the school that teach children good morals and make them responsible citizen in society. The above sentence you wrote is not aligned with this idea at all. Always keep your writing with what your prompt suggests. It doesn't matter even spending a little more time in reading and understanding the prompt because it is very important that your writing answers what it expects from you.
OP stream_xu 3 / 6 2  
Oct 28, 2013   #3
Thanks for your suggestion, I think I really need to have a look at other intriguing openings to learn to perfect my openings. :)
dumi 1 / 6,932 1592  
Oct 29, 2013   #4
I also feel you need to pay attention to overall essay structure. I don't find specific examples to the reasons you have given in defending your opinion.
beula 3 / 10 1  
Oct 29, 2013   #5
hi ya,
I am also preparing for ielts. I would like to give some advice and suggestions.
this essay asks you to discuss both the views and give your opinion.
so, in the introduction you can write a general statement about the topic, may be two sentences, followed by while some argue this....
and others say.... and give your opinion.
para 1: topic sentence about why some people think parents are a good teacher.
then support your topic sentence, that means elaborate and tell in detail with examples .
for example: there are some good reasons for why majority of people believe parents are a good teacher.( this is topic sentence, here the reader will understand you are going to discuss about parents responsibilities)

then elaborate why they are good. children learn by observing, mother teaches disciplines even before a child experiencing school atmosphere.
para 2: similarly to support school supporters.
conclusion: summarize para 1 and para 2 in a simple way and again here write your opinion.
in conclusion, although there are different views about whether the parents or the teachers have the responsibility to teach our children to become a good citizen, I would say that it is the responsibility of both of them, indeed. The earlier we teach children, the better it is for society.

it is not advisable using informal words like kids.
thanks.
Nandu 1 / 3  
Oct 29, 2013   #6
You need to produced well structured sentences. you should support your topic sentences with the help of examples, any life experience or your opinion.
There is deficiency of flow, the each paragraph should be the part of that flow in a right direction.use common connector to improve the beauty and to show continuity in your

essay.
OP stream_xu 3 / 6 2  
Nov 3, 2013   #7
Thanks a lot! I will try rewriting the essay using this structure. :)


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS: Which should be the ones to teach children into good citizens? Parents or Schools?