Ielts Task 2 - Opinion on salary when choosing a job

Topic:

When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

These days, salary tend to become the most essential factor when jobseekers select the job. They may compare each career rely on the paid. In my opinion, I totally agree with this fact.

To beginning with, humans look for job since they want to make money. It is evident that everyone learns and develops themselves to find a job. Jobseeker hope that they can earn money for their life. High salary greatly upgrades the life quality. Money can help them buying food, clothes, personal stuff and also pays their bills.

Furthermore, people need plenty of money to satisfy their entertains, passions and hobbies. Generally, it serves the basic human needs. Their family have a chance to live in a better house, can pursue their dreams and satisfy the needs. Their children will study in a great school and higher education quality.

Secondly, it is the higher earnings the stronger motivation. In fact, the salary literally influences on the employee motivation. This factor is the energy and the reason why the employees have to go to work everyday. Worker try to work as hard as possible as a result of making the boss happy to remain the job since they obviously can not lose that salary. Employees are willing to work overtime if the employers pay more money for the extra hours.

In conclusion, it is true that job hunters are affected significantly by the salary when they choose the career. And absolutely, I can not agree more. Salary can solve the necessity of life and is the work motivation for sure.

Thank you so much for your kind support!

the job -> a job
rely on the paid -> based on the amount of money paid.
..., I totally agree with this fact. -> ..., I totally agree with this idea due to some reasons below.
help them to buy food.
There also some grammar mistakes and your length of sentences seems too short. I think you should work on that.

"influence" is not followed by a preposition
" It is evident that everyone learns and develops themselves to find a job. Jobseeker hope that they can earn money for their life." -> the fact that:the more people know , the more they earn , so people are trying to learn soft skill, improve themselves with a view to earning a high paying job

The second sentence in the first paragraph is not indicative of any line of reasoning or supporting statement in the original prompt. That makes the restatement change in discussion focus from the original. Expect scoring deductions for creating your own information not aligned with the original discussion presentation. Your extent response is correct, but lacking the 2 topic sentences that would introduce the basis of your discussion to the examiner.

This is only a 4 paragraph essay. You have not followed the correct discussion format requirement. Additional point deductions will be made due to the error in format presentation. The "furthermore" statement should have been attached to the previous paragraph to create clarity for the reason you presented in that section. It would have also helped to keep your format within the required 4 paragraph discussion.

Never start a sentence with a connecting word. You cannot start with "and" because the word connotes a connection between 2 thoughts in one sentence. So make sure to use a comma, never a period, when using the word "and" in a sentence. GRA point deductions will be applied for that particular error.

salary tends
I totally
humans look for jobs
develops themselves
Jobseeker hopes
A high salary significantly
Their family can live in a better house and pursue their dreams ...
... higher earnings, the stronger motivation
every day
Workers try
as a result of making--due to make
the employers
it is true that job hunters are indeed