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IELTS writing task 2: Opinions about a four-year high school education proposal


vincentfreeman 7 / 20 2  
Oct 1, 2014   #1
I come across this topic in a national examination for gifted students paper and find it quite challenging. Please help me to correct my essay. I would be very grateful!!!

Topic: High school students are expected to participate more in extracurricular activities and community services in addition to achieving high grades. Some educators suggest extending highschool education to 4 years so that students can achieve all that is expected of them. Others are against the proposal because they think students would lose interest in school and attendance would drop in the end.

In about 350 words, write an essay that ends with the remark "High-school education should be extended to four years"
to assert your point of view on this question.Use reasons and examples to support your position


Essay:
It is a wide perception that high school students, alongside with a high bandscore, are expected to contribute themselves more to extra-curricular activities and public services. Some educators suggest that high school education should be extended to 4-years so that students can meet the expectations. While many people show disapproval of this proposal, I strongly accede to it for the following reasons.

A 4-year high school period, in some ways, provides many benefits. It is axiomatic that the more time is allowed for the same amount of knowledge, the more freetime students have to spend on other extra-curricular activities like sports and public services, which provide them with physical fitness experiences for later working life. Another advantage of this is that a longer period of study ensure students the opportunity to discovering their most suitable subjects, thus preparing themselves better for university and further education. Academic achievement can also be ameliorated as once an essential subject is defined, students will put more effort in it.

Opponents of this proposal indicate the disadvantage in term of interest and attendance drop. Students taking this education policy are predicted to get a sense of boredom in learning as a result of long time period, consequently the attendance rate will decrease and the performance will deteriorate. However, I suppose this demerit would not happen as once students have chosen their expertise, they would get involved in it with enthusiasm and competence. Furthermore, the increasing freetime for other activities also assist with the reduction of stress, which is specially common in specialized schools, in this way, promote the learning performance of students.

As analysed above, I confidently conclude that a 4-year high school education should be applied for its potential benefits of academic achievement and experiences.

Timberlake 1 / 5  
Oct 1, 2014   #2
i have analysed essay of yours,consequently i didn't find feebacks. I would estimate band score 9 without a doubt.
hsamadii 3 / 6 1  
Oct 1, 2014   #3
It is a great essay however you have dictation mistake in free time
freetime :we don't have such a word ;)
Tbontb 2 / 6  
Oct 1, 2014   #4
very strong organization and ideas present clearly! love it :)
OP vincentfreeman 7 / 20 2  
Oct 2, 2014   #5
Oh, that really surprised me that my essay is high assessed like that. Thanks you very much guys!!!
I hope that I will be able to write like this on my exam days, only 4 days to go


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