Some parent allow their children to get busy with paid work

Children are engaged with the paid work

Question: In some countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. some people regard this as completely wrong, while other consider it as a valuable work experince, important for learning and taking responsibility.

In certain countries, some parent allow their children to get busy with paid work. Some parents opine that by working, their children can gain precious experience in work and at the same time, they started to learn how to be more responsible. Some parents, however, do not agree with this argument.

On one hand, parents believes that works with monetary return are important to a child's growth. When children started to get some works, they will be take the task given seriously, as they get paid after completion of the task. They will work hard and always do their best in work also because of their responsibilty. For example, as a pizza deliver, they will try to deliver pizza within a limited time to make sure their customer is satisfied with their service.

Eventhough children can start learning about taking responsibility by working, some parent stil do not agree with this argument. The main reason is that, working might cause stresssfulness to children when they could not manage everything as well as their expectation or when the workload is too heavy. Some people can not manage stress very well bacause they are too young. This condition might lead to depression if it continues for a period of time.

In my opinion, children should gain some experience in working to improve themselves before starting their career in future. In conclusion, it is no wrong if parents let their children working with wage but they have to always keep both eyes on their children's condition.

Ps: please give me some feedback to improve my essay and also give valuation according to ielts marking criteria. thx in advanced.

Hey Cherny,

-parents believes
- When children started to get some works, they will ... ==) i dont get why you use past simple here.

-i think that you should give more different ideas about your agreements, it might be 2 paragraph before opponent's argument.
-the phrase" in future" is rarely used==) i think but i am not sure.

Yi, the reference in the essay is people, not "parents". Therefore, you should not have used the parental reference throughout the essay. The reference is made to a public point of view and not a parent's point of view. This was a mistake in understanding on your part. The proper synonym for people should have been used such as public, society, persons, populace, common people, or general public. Do not make any reference to information not included in the original prompt or you risk losing points.

Now, this essay is a compare and contrast essay since the discussion instruction is for you to "discuss both points of view and then offer a personal opinion." Since you did not create a clear idea behind the instructions for the essay in your restated thesis statement, it appears to the reader that you are presenting only a personal point of view since you use reference phrases such as "On one hand..." which means you, as the writer are making a comment. When the proper reference should have been "Public belief regarding..." and then a reference to "However, the other public opinion is that..." before making the "In my opinion..." reference. By the way, you cannot give your opinion as the concluding statement. That creates an essay without a conclusion since you discussed new information in that paragraph instead of offering a summary of the discussion. You will lose points because of that.

Now, basing your score on the mistake in the argument presented, the lexical issues, grammar and punctuation problems, along with under explained paragraphs and problematic use of cohesive devices, I believe that your score will fall somewhere between the 5-6 range.