Parents should cook healthy food for their kids and constantly monitor their behavior.

Topic :
Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both school and parents are responsible for solving this problem.
To what extent do you agree with this statement ?

In this contemporary era, several people believe children unhealthy habit is a part of parents and schools responsibility. In my point of view, even though government regulation also take a proportion for this problem, I would argue that school and parents influence fetch the most significant matter in children lifestyle.

Those children severe customs is not only school and parental responsibility, but government also take a part of this problem. For instance, pollution which is caused by smokers in the public area intense to disturbs children inhalation. That passive smokers are even more dangerous than the smoker itself, they can obtain a wide range of disease like lung cancer and heart attack. To sum up, the governments have to create clear regulation about this, in order to protect the children.

Apart from government intervention, I extremely agree that parents take the most significant portion of that problem. It is no doubt that parent driven their child willingness including their food, exercise, and study. Especially in these days, video game technologies make them lazy which is lead to less physical activity. Beside that, Schools are the second biggest factor which affects children habit. For example, Japan school authorities make a curriculum that every student has an obligation to do physical exercise in the morning. That rule helps children to keep healthy and concentrate on the study.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that, children way of life most affected by their parents and school than another matter. Where possible parents cooking healthy food for their kids and monitoring her behavior.

I would like to give you some feedback. The first paragraph you could change some words. The first sentence change several to "many" and children to "a child's". Also, add "the" after of. Here is a suggestion to help you end the last sentence:" school and parents influence a child's life."

When you begin the second paragraph, you should include information about the actions of the child that is unhealthy. This example is something that the child is unable to control.

You seem to have a good idea of children playing video games, their lack of physical activity, and unhealthy eating habits. You can develop these ideas because this will help you answer the question.

This is not the first time I review your writing. It is around 2-3 essays I marked. Did you peruse all my notice more closely? If it is YES, then you can see that this first paragraph needs more improvement. Your opening sentence needs a hook, as a catchy sentence to attract your readers.

This topic sentence in the paragraph 2 goes nowhere. If you think that "government" as the stakeholder performing a role should be discussed here, then you need to leave out "school and parental responsibility". Asking journalistic questions to create a detailed example should be taken into consideration, since the example given is to general. This latter suggestion also works in the example in paragraph 3. In the last paragraph, your task is to paraphrase the thesis statement. What makes students stay with a score of 6 or below is that they cannot develop the concluding paragraph well, since they failed to paraphrase their thesis.

Thank you Mr Eddy, i am trying to rewrite my introduction :

Unhealthy lifestyle is becoming a common way of life in this century era. Not only adult, but also the children have influenced in this living habits and several people believe it becoming parents and school responsibility. In my point of view, even though government regulation also take a proportion for this problem, I would argue that school and parents influence the most significant matter in their children lifestyle.