Parents and educational places as schools are crucial, as they can influence on children's behaviour

Dear all,

Please kindly help me to check this essay.

Topic: Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

People have different views about who should be responsible for teaching young generation to become a valuable person for society. In my opinion, children can learn from both parents and schools.

On the one hand, parents are the first teacher of children. They are powerful role models that influence on children's behaviors. In children, cognitive learning is a fundamental skill that uses to gether knowledge from surrounding circumstances. Therefore, parents play an important role that impact on children's experiences. Especially on the first stage of children development, parents can act as positive modeling for their child about hot to be a responsible man for their community. This will create good starting of learning for children in order to be good members of society

On the other hand, when young children grow up to be juveniles. Academies are vital places where young generation takes most part of his/her life at its. In many schools consist of varieties of teachers and experts who can conduct children to understand the right and the wrong. This leads to create a quality person for society. In addition, schools are the first place that children can learn to cooperate with others. This can help young age understand about how to be a good participant in society. As a result, schools are imitated social circumstances, and they have key persons as teachers and practiced persons who can educate a right way for young generation.

In conclusion, it seems to me that parents and educational places as schools are crucial roles that can influence on children's behavior, and also can direct young age to be good members of society.

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Thank you

Overall, I can see several problems in your writing:
1. you overused "that ..." clauses, unnecessarily. for example, the following correction may make the sentence easier to understand


2. your body paragraphs all have an opening sentence and that is good. but the following sentences are not well developed or organized to support the opening.

3. you were trying to use less frequently used words and I can see your attempt to paraphrase. but your accuracy needs improvement

It's good to use a variety of expressions and vocab, but you have to make sure that you use them correctly. If you're not sure of the meaning of a word or a phrase, don't use it, just keep things simple.

Be careful with verb forms (with or without -ing).
Pay attention to the use of articles and prepositions. E.g: normally people just say "Parents influence children", the word "influence" goes with an "on" only when it acts as a noun.

young age => it should be YOUNG PEOPLE or THE YOUNG
places as schools => places SUCH as schools

Best

Thank you very much for both comments.

They are so helpful ,and clear advice. I am noted and will try to follow your advises on next essay. :D

Otherwise, I am still waiting for other comments about grammar and some opinion in idea about this topic.

Thank you again