Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback % width Posts: 5

Parents expenses on their children's sports and the number of children who participated in 3 sports


dongnn 1 / -  
Jul 29, 2022   #1

money spent on kids in Great Britain



The line chart show regard the money spent by parents on their children's sports and the number of children who participated in three sports in Britain from 2008 to 2014.

Overall, we can easily see that the average money parents spend on children's sports steadily increasing over each years. In fact, parents were taking care of about healthy of their children more.

In 2008 year, parents spend around 20 pounds on children's sports each month. This amounts money increased year by year. In 4 years, from 2010 to 2014, this spending increased gradually over years and reaching 32 pound in 2014 year.

Look at the number of children participation sport, we can see that have a similar predisposition with spending of parents. The first time of the research, the number of children play athletics and swimming was on a low, under 1 millions and 2 millions children respectively. By contract , football was a sport more popular than athletics and swimming with the number of player was 8 millions. However, behold significant change of the player of both athletics and swimming then football was still stable rose, from 7.5milions to 9 millions player over the following 6 years. While the number of athletics player have a dramatic increase from 1 millions to around 5 millions player. And children participation swimming had more than double from 2 millions to 4 millions.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,033 4248  
Jul 29, 2022   #2
There is an error in the image representation within the summary overview. Since reference is made to 2 different sets of information, it is safe to assume that there are at least 2 line graph presentations provided. However, the version that was written indicates only 1 image, with 2 different information references. Something that is not possible and will confuse the reader. The summary overview is a failure. Even the trending statement is inaccurate as it focuses only on the expense of the parents when there should also be a reference to the number of children participating in sports. The writer has failed to provide an accurate task summary, the first paragraph will result in a non-passing starting score due to information inaccuracies.

The overall presentation is scattered, lacking in proper analysis, and missing pertinent information references. The writer has not provided the examiner with a reason to give him a passing score. The work provided is so problematic in terms of analysis and sentence presentation that it can only receive a non passing mark overall.
cherryblossom 6 / 11 3  
Jul 30, 2022   #3
The way you use English is pretty careless and you basically do not know much about collocations.
For example: it should be "do athletics and go swimming"
-"In 2008 year", no need to put "year" after the number
-"This amounts of money"
-"In 4 years, from 2010 to ..." this sentence is too problematic. Why have to put -"over years" when you already write "from 2010 to 2014", not to mention that you write "increased year by year" in the previous sentence? An unnecessary repetition. Wrong tense for "reaching" as well. It should be "and reached 32 pounds by 2014"

-"The first time of the research" - in the first year surveyed
-spelling error - by contrast
-"on a low" what is this? A phrase that does not exist. If you mean it is low in number, then there should be a comparison to other categories to show "how" low it is.

The rest contains several other mistakes relating to adverbs, run-on sentences, word choice and require the writer to familiarise himself more with English.
KieuOanh151202 1 / 5  
Jul 31, 2022   #4
I think the tone in your writing is not appropriate, it should be more formal. We should not use "we, I,...", "look at .." and express our opinions in WT1. In addition, there are many grammar errors such as " The line chart show", it should be "shows". And like Holt said, the way you wrote the overview was not correct.
Iloveielts 8 / 16 1  
Aug 1, 2022   #5
First is the wrong of grammar: ... parents spend on children's sports steadily increasing over each years.

==> only increased ( if it is in past tense), this will affect your GRAMMAR SCORE IN IELTS test.
Second is the misbalance between 2 body graph.
Some words can be updated for higher band: In 4 years, from 2010 to 2014, ==> Over a period of 4 years from X to Y.
Plus S to Pound, we have 32 pounds not 32 pound.
You seem to add " ing" and delete it everywhere you like , be careful with that.


Home / Writing Feedback / Parents expenses on their children's sports and the number of children who participated in 3 sports