IELTS Task 2 essay - Do parents play a vital role in success in a person's life?

This is an IELTS Task 2 essay written within 40 minutes, without the help of dictionaries, the Internet as well as spell checkers, since I want to stimulate the examination experience. Please give me a feedback on this essay, and an average band score if you are able to estimate.

Thank you in advance!

Some people say success in a person's life as an adult is the result of the way he was brought up by his parents. Do you agree or disagree?

father's and mother's contribution to a child success

The success of a person's life is regarded to be a result of the way he was brought up by his parents. In my opinion, I personally agree with this idea, and I will explain why.

On the one hand, regarding the importance of parents, it is undeniable that these mothers and fathers play a vital role in children's development, both mental and physical aspects. To ensure their children having a bright future, parents these days are taking their son and daughters to many academies, including mandatory schools, talent institutions and sports clubs, resulting in pushing the process of seeking for their strength. These talented abilities, ranging from playing musical instruments and sports to be excelled in mathematics, are proved to have significant effects on a person's successful career. It is notable, for example, that there are numerous people are capable of utilizing their strength to make way for success, as we see in Mozart, the pianist with talented skills denoted by his father, and Shinzo Abe, the vice president of Japan who is persuaded by his parent to be a politician.

On the other hand, though, a person's living environment is sometimes believed to have impacts on his future. For example, if a child grows up in a neighborhood where citizens are members of criminal crews, he will likely end up a gangster.

In conclusion, I believe that parent is crucial to a person's successful life, since fathers and mothers help to find their children talents.

(251 words)

Phi, since this is the first IELTS Task 2 essay that you have written, I will refrain from scoring your essay because you will not like the score it will be getting. There are a number of format and discussion problems that created a failing scenario for this essay so I would like to address those points in this essay instead so that you will not repeat the mistakes in the future.

For starters, you must be conscious of the fact that all the paragraphs in the essay, from the introduction, the 3 body paragraphs, and the concluding statement, should always be composed of 3-5 sentences each. It cannot be more than that, it cannot be less than that. It also, should not be presented using numerous long sentences, separated by commas because those will be regarded as run-on sentences and will cause the lowering of your C&C and GRA scores.

I would like to call your attention to the opening statement, which is supposed to represent your understanding of the prompt requirements. It should accurately represent your own understanding of the original prompt. It should never discuss the topic instantly because that paragraph is meant for comprehension assessment and not discussion representation. So the proper presentation for your opening paragraph should have been:

The success of an adult person is often attributed to his parents. There is a common belief that the method by which a child is raised by his parents prepares him for a successful future. I agree with this statement for several reasons.

Now, you over discussed your second paragraph because you threw in all of the possible topics for discussion in one paragraph. The correct approach would have been to allow for only 1 topic per paragraph such as :

*1. Topic for the paragraph, supporting reason, example.
*Repeat 2 more times

or the alternative is:
1. Topic for discussion + supporting reason
2. Topic for discussion + supporting resason
3. One illustrative example for both reasons

Then the conclusion. The conclusion should represent the same information as the opening statement. Which means you have to restate the thesis statement, without repeating the same presentation as the start, the summarized discussion points, and a restatement of your opinion based on the presented evidence.

It can be daunting at the start to write these essays but if you review the examples here and learn from the previous advice given, I am sure you will on track in no time. I applaud you for doing your best to replicate the exam center situation. That is a good practice to start and you should continue it throughout your practice tests. I look forward to reading your future improved practice tests.

@Holt
Thank you so much for your very informative and motivational feedback.

I would like to summarize your idea in order to improve my future essays and some of my confusing thoughts:
1/ I should not use too long sentences.
2/ The number of sentences in my paragraphs should stay in between 3-5.
3/ The opening statement should show my assessment for the prompt. Did you mean I should write my general thinking for the given topic?
4/ I should write 1 topic per paragraph following your provided structure.
5/ The conclusion should be written as you mentioned.
Does my essay have to include 3 body paragraphs? Is 2 bodies are enough?
How to write an opening sentence when I start a body paragraph? Should I go straight forward to the discussion or show a general idea about that paragraph?

@Samuelsam123
I extremely appreciate your opinion on my writing, which includes:
1/ I should write an equal evaluation on both sides of the topic. I think this will disadvantage my idea as I emphasize them equally. However, I only support one opinion.

2/ I should use more sophisticated words (haha, I know there are a lot of informal words in my essay, e.g. gangsters, but I have no time to think).

3/ I should make more time to plan my writing.