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Parents have a responsibility to both care for and prepare their children as they approach adulthood


THI 1 / 2  
Dec 19, 2018   #1

PARENTS AND CHILDREN RELATIONSHIP



TOPIC: In many countries, young people are granted certain privileges and responsibilities at the age of sixteen. Clearly parents have a responsibility to both care for and prepare their children as they approach this important milestone. To what degree should parents intervene in the lives of their 14-15-year-old children?

This is my essay:

All citizen of a country are fair in law as they are entitled to do something when they old enough. If they are a child, they will be protected from danger by the government. In my opinion, there are two ways to ensure that the rights of young people are respected.

Through school, mass media, people's rights are widely disseminated. By putting posters along the main roads, moreover, writing books, song and short films about halls of power as the main topic should be encouraged to produce and give free to students. In addition, the online social network is another way to convey the human rights to the young people. This could educate young people about the importance of their rights so that they seek to help to defend themselves.

The government also has a responsibility to protect the young people's rights. Polices should take the interests of young people into account. In certain circumstance, they will appoint a young people's commissioner to sorority new legislation for compliance with the framework such as the Vietnam Convention on the Rights of the Young. This method results in ensuring young people are continuously represented in the hall of power.

All in all, to ensure the youth rights, the whole society must give their hands. It is clear that respecting the youth rights is not just for benefits of the young, but also for highly security of society.

annanthaayu 7 / 12 4  
Dec 19, 2018   #2
Through school and mass ...

The government also has a ... the young's rights. Polices should take the interests of to young people....

Notes :
- Your writing is less than 250 words (only 235 words in total). For IELTS Writing Task 2, you must write 250 words
- Add more your vocabulary
- Try to write 3-5 sentences in one paragraph

Good luck
HanNguyen0510 18 / 37 11  
Dec 19, 2018   #3
Hi THI

I think you are quite good at grammar and sentence structures. However, you are not answering the prompt, the discussion in your essay is a different topic compare to the question. Let's have a look.

The prompt asked you: Should parents intervene in the lives of their 14-15-year-old children? => It means that should they care for and prepare for children before they reach the age of 16, their importance stage in life.

In your essay: You discussed citizen right and young people right and did not mention the role of parents.
Since you don't answer the prompt properly, I think it is hard to follow the flow of your essay and it confused readers.
Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Dec 20, 2018   #4
Leaving the fact that you did not respond properly to the given task, which would result in an automatic score of 1 for the TA section, ensuring the failure of your essay, you also neglected to write the appropriate number of words for this task. You have written only 235 words out of the required 250. Therefore, the examiner will take one look at this essay, realize that it is under the word count, apply the correct word count penalty, and then review the remainder of the test. Based on the lack of word count plus your prompt deviation problem, there is no way that this essay will get a passing score. You failed to provide the 2 most important considerations; the minimum word count and a task responsive essay. Therefore, you cannot expect to pass the test.

It is easy to write more than 250 words, but it is difficult for you to clearly understand the TA requirements if you do not understand how to properly write the essay. Reading the sample essays at this forum and gathering information from the advice provided for that student should help you develop a clearer understanding of what the various Task 2 essay topics and writing requirements are and how to best approach the task.
Junghakkyo 3 / 9 2  
Dec 20, 2018   #5
@THI

I agree with Holt in that you didn't answer the question. You vaguely mentioned the rights that the youth should have, but what exactly are those rights? Rather than talking about police, or schools, you can link the rights to how parents should or should not intervene.

I would rewrite the essay first to answer the question. I would recommend planning out the essay first before actually writing it. This way you can ensure it answers the question in a clear and concise manner. Then look back at your new essay and read it out loud. There were a lot of grammar mistakes in this version that made it difficult to follow what was being said.
OP THI 1 / 2  
Dec 20, 2018   #6
oh, Thanks very much for your feedback.


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