Writing task 2 - Parents responsibility (Some people think that parents...)

bringing up children responsibility

Whose responsibility it is to help children grow up to become useful members of the society is debatable. Some adhere to the idea that it is solely the parent's responsibility to raise their young in order for them to become good citizens, whereas others believe that it is predominantly the school's role to do so. The following paragraphs will discuss in detail both points of view and argue why it isn't only the family member's responsibility.

The parents have one of the biggest impacts on a child's future if not the biggest. In their childhood, parents are the people that teach their kids manners, basic skills and how to respect one another. Without manners a child's life would be hard done(???), as they would have an awful time trying to socialize because of the way they act in general. In addition, without basic skills, they would never know how to be independent individuals and have to always rely on someone else (who might not always be there for them). It is undoubtable that a child's outcome will depend heavily on the mother and fathers' ability to teach them these. But I disagree that it's the parent's responsibility alone.

As children spend a large proportion of their early life at school, it should definitely be the school's duty also. While in school, they learn basic knowledge such as math or spelling and how to obey rules, which would be crucial in becoming good members of their society. Going into life without basic education would most likely result in being unemployed or working at a devastatingly low salary; provided that(I don't think this is the right usage of this phrase; try something else), they would also be laughed at by others and no one would respect them. Not learning the importance of obeying the law could get them into deep trouble or even incarceration. Overall, the importance of school for a person is undeniable.

In conclusion, the essay above talked about the importance of both parents and schools in the bringing up of a child and argued why it shouldn't only be one side's responsibility because of the reasons above.

Okay, you have a mistake in your prompt paraphrase. The discussion instruction is improperly presented. It is not the essay that will discuss the topic, the topic will be discussed by the writer based on a set of reasons, which will lead to the writer creating an opinion. So the last part of the paragraph should read like this:

Due to the varying ideas regarding this topic, it is important to consider the reasons behind the support that people give each idea. By presenting a discussion of these ideas, I will be be able to craft a personal opinion as the final word on this topic.

By the way, never say that a topic is debatable in a Task 2 essay. These are never debates. These are always discussions, comparisons, or opinions. There is never a fiery debate, a debatable topic, or an ongoing debate. Just word variations on the term "discussion". Examiners do not like the use of these exaggerated expressions as it removes the formal and academic discussion presentation of the given issue.

The format of your essay is not really based on the expected discussion presentation. Your essay comes across as a solid personal opinion, without considering the discussion as required by the prompt. The required discussion uses first, second, and third person pronouns or group / plural reference words for the 2 discussion ideas and then your personal opinion, uses first person pronouns in the presentation. That is because the essay needs to clearly point out the positions being discussed and whose side it being presented. It helps create the coherence and clarity in the discussion because this is your opportunity to use transition sentences in the proper manner at the end of each paragraph discussion.

Your lack of ownership words plus the singular opinion approach will be the reasons why this essay will not be able to achieve a passing score. Your reference topic sentences should be similar to:

Par. 2: Considering the people who think that... Their opinion is based on... That is why they use the example of...
Par. 3: Basing the idea of... on the belief of groups that... They have convinced themselves that...
Par. 4: Owing to these explanations, I have become enlightened about the topic. Using myself as an example... My experience therefore supports...

Plural and singular pronouns need to be used to show your GRA range. I have highlighted the pronouns used that will add to the score for that section. I have shown you the expected discussion format as well. While you did use various pronouns in your presentation, you have to understand that the IELTS is written in a specific method and as such, have an expected discussion format that the examiner looks for. Remember, the comparison essays with a personal opinion will always need 5 paragraphs and require the use of correct pronouns in the topic sentences located at the start of the paragraphs.

Hi actually my teacher told me that we should not utilize examples which contain " I My ...." -> thats my side.
Isn't should be used -> is not

Without manners, a child's
It is undoubtedly that
on the mother's and fathers' ability