IELTS Writing Part 2: HEALTH TOPIC / Walking

Hello everyone, can someone give me some useful feedback on my writing? I aim to score at least 6.5 for my writing. Your useful comments on grammar and vocabulary would be appreciated. Thank you~

the benefits of walking

Question: Walking is known to be beneficial for health and yet fewer and fewer people are walking these days. What are the reasons for this? What can be done to tackle this problem?

Answer:
The advent of speedy transportation is one of man's greatest inventions in minimizing distance, albeit at a cost of health degradation. Despite knowing the health benefits walking offers to humans, the number of people doing such activity is declining at an alarming rate. In the following essay, the principal reasons for this issue and some possible solutions to ameliorate this trend will be discussed.

It seems that there is an array of integrated factors that contribute to this phenomenon, and chief among the causes of this problem is the quickening tempo of modern society, along with the advancement of transportation infrastructures that leads to a rise in the number of people commuting by cars and buses. Further to this point, the need to travel long distances to work has also contributed partly to the fall in the number of people walking on the streets. It is indisputable that human's indolent behavior and hedonistic mindset actively seeks for pleasure and convenience, thereby opting to drive instead of walking, which consumes more time and energy. Furthermore, this problem also stems from the fact that there are no adequate facilities such as public parks and gardens in the city to allow people to walk leisurely during their leisure time.

Turning to viable solutions, probably the most practical countermeasure is for the authority to heighten people's awareness to lead a healthy life, which would increase the frequency of walking and reduce the amount of sedentary time. It is imperative for governments of developed and developing nations to allocate more money in building public parks and offer places of recreation for people to use. In addition, modules teaching students about the merits of exercising and walking must be taught at schools. If people make concerted efforts and put these measures into practice, it would greatly improve people's health to a great extent.

In sum, this problem is highly unlikely to be overcome in the foreseeable future; nevertheless, it is by no means insurmountable. It is of paramount importance for governments and individuals to encourage a better lifestyle and extol the benefits of walking.

(347 words)

@justikatanu
First, I wanna say that I'm impressived by your essay. Your range of vocabulary is very nice and how you present your ideas is good too. But I think you shouldn't write too long, 347 words for an essay that should have around 250 words.

For example: It seems that there is an array of ...

This sentence is quite long, you should break it down. I think there's no need to add "that leads to a rise in ... and buses"

In the real test, you may not have enough time to make it much perfect like this. Instead, I suggest shortening it, so that it can be succinct and you can avoid fewer mistakes!

You are using too many word fillers in this essay. You need to learn to open your paragraphs with topic sentences. The topic sentence is based upon the responses you provide in the prompt paraphrase. There are direct questions being asked that should be given definite responses to help outline your reasoning paragraphs. These will help you avoid over presenting your paragraphs and keep you focused only on the essential discussions to be covered within 3-5 sentences in the paragraph. You should also avoid presenting 2 ideas in one sentence, separated only by a comma. These long sentences, also known as run-ons are the go to presentations for students who do not really know how to properly present complex sentences. Avoid this error, it will lower your GRA score. Always present one idea in every sentence, that way you can really present a proper simple or complex sentence in relation to your discussion.