[IELTS Writing Part 1] Making coffee at industrial level - all the process described

Hello! I'm glad I came across with this helpful forum for me to get feedbacks for my writing. Please evaluate my ielts part 1 essay below. I appreciate your feedback.

Description:

The diagram shows the process of making coffee.

My Essay,
The illustration gives information about the several steps on how to produce a coffee.

As can be seen, the picture showed 11 stages that need to be accomplished before coffee is available for consumption. Beginning from harvesting the coffee beans from its source and ending at the packing stage.

To begin with the process, the coffee beans are harvested by hand before being dried under the sun. The dried beans will then be roasted within a container which will be cooled down immediately afterwards to make the beans as hard as it can be. A grinding machine will then be used to break down the beans into smaller pieces before being mixed with hot water.

The last part of the process will proceed by freezing the mixture after it was strained to remove excess deposits. The frozen liquid will be crushed into powdery substance by utilizing the grinding machine before placing it in a vacuum container to make it dry by removing any trace of water. The finished product will then go to the packing section to make coffee jars ready for sale.

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  coffeeprocess.jpg
  

@chibib0
Hi there! We're glad you found the forum too. For now, I'll provide you with an extensive feedback on your writing. Hopefully, this will somehow help you in your writing endeavors. Please do not hesitate to reach out to us for more information!

Generally, I think a cluster of your issues stems from the fact that you need to generalize the writing a bit more. If we take into consideration, for instance, the second paragraph, it's quite pervasive that you should have divided that mid sentence into three more clusters. Doing this will give you more benefits in the long-run.

Furthermore, you can also cut down the processes in your sentences a lot more. Considering that you were trying to do a pattern like this: step A will be step B, which is going to lead to step C. What you can do is opt for something that's easier to comprehend. Something along the lines of: step A leads to B. step C means D. Being more compartmentalized with the instructions can go a long way - believe me.