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[IELTS] Writing Task 1 - The Process of Making Chocolate Bar and its Changes in the Price


ruwchii 6 / 18 3  
Dec 16, 2014   #1
The diagrams illustrate the ways to manufacture chocolate and the distribution of a chocolate bar price in percentage based on the role of involved parties in the process. Overall, it is clear that cocoas should be processed in some stages before the chocolate bar is produced by an industry and the cost of ingredients and supermarket are the highest well-distributed sectors among others in term of the allocation of chocolate bar price.

To begin, grinding the cocoa in the grinded machine is the first thing to do in manufacturing chocolate bar to get some extract of cocoas and some waste products. The cocoas extract called cocoa liquor is used in two different ways. The first one is by pressing them and turn them into cocoa powder which can be distributed to the food industries or producing the cocoa butter from pressing section. The second way is by manufacturing the industrial chocolate from cocoa liquor and cocoa butter which are mixed together. Lastly, sugar and other ingredients are combined with industrial chocolate to produce chocolate bars.

Related to the first figures, the pie chart reveals the estimation of chocolate bar price distribution. It is noticeable that the cost of ingredients and production sectors hit the largest proportion with 37% retail price and is followed by supermarket with 34%. 15% is addressed to the government taxes, while 10% is for the chocolate company. Finally, the lowest commission is received by the farmer with only 4%.






ayulia 3 / 8 1  
Dec 16, 2014   #2
Let me try to comment your essay,
In my opinion, the use of prep 'with' in Lastly, sugar and other ingredients are combined with industrial chocolate to produce chocolate bars. is inappropriate. It should be replaced with 'in' because industrial chocolates means something related to chocolate industry, not any ingredients to produce chocolate.

Then the use of number in proportion (37%,34%,15%,10%,4%) should be replaced with other words like less than fifth, get the lowest proportions to avoids repetition.


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