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IELTS writing part 1 - percentage of people aged 65 and over (line graph)

kikiyiu 5 / 12 2  
Mar 21, 2018   #1
Please ignore the odd structure because of the IELTS marking scheme.
Focusing in grammar and sentence patterns is fine. Thank you!
Below is the essay:

proportion of elder population in some three countries

The line graph illustrates the percentage of people aged 65 and above in three countries (Japan, Sweden and USA) from 1940 to 2040.

Overall, the consumption of all countries rose over the period given. From the period started, the highest proportion of old people was in United States, which was replaced by Sweden between later 1990s and 2030, and following that Japan became the popular spread.

The percentage of old American started at approximately 9% in 1940, then the figure fluctuated and increase to 28% in 2040. Likewise, in the first year, there were 7% of population aged 65 and over in Sweden. It climbed up at just over 25% in the final year after it experienced years of fluctuation.

With regards to the proportion of elderly in Japan, it began at exactly 5% and went up dramatically to reach a high of 27% in the last year.

  • Graph market

NKNam123 2 / 4  
Mar 21, 2018   #2
Your report looks like enough word-under 150 words
In the first paragraph, you can paraphrase "aged 65 and above" become "who are over 65 years old" in order to differentiate from the topic sentence.
In the 2nd paragraph, It is not "consumption". You can write " the popularity of senior citizen in all countries".
In the 3rd paragraph, "there were 7% of population aged 65 and over in Sweden" replaced by "there was 7% of the Swedish population is over 65 years old"

"increase to 28% in 2040" replaced by "is predicted to increase to 28% in 2040"
You should write "in the United States"
The last paragraph, "reach a high of 27%" replace by "reach the highest point in this survey of 27% " or " peak of"
OP kikiyiu 5 / 12 2  
Mar 22, 2018   #3
Hi NKNam123, thank you for your response. I will rewrite it soon!

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