People's were asked about communication ability which they needed and used in their job

Writing Task 1 - Communication Skills Are Essential in your job? (Survey 1997 &2006)

The table below gives the results of two surveys, in 1997 and 2006, in which people were asked which communication skills were essential in their jobs.

The table provides information about the percentage of people's answer that were asked about communication ability which they were needed in their job in 1997 and 2006. Overall, it can be seen that all of the percentage were rising while only selling a product or service was falling between 1997 and 2006. And the percentage of all correspondences was under seventy five percent.

In external communication, selling a product or service fell by 3 percent from 1997 to 2006 while the others went up. There was the highest increase in knowledge of particular products or services by 6 percent. The highest percentage was 65 percent in dealing with people aspects in 1997 where the lowest percentage was selling a product service at 21 percent in 2006.

In internal communication, all of the percentage were rising over 9-years period. The highest percentage was listening carefully to colleagues at 47 percent in 2006 and the lowest percentage was making speeches or presentations at 7 percent in 1997. There was the smallest changed between 1997 and 2006 by 1 percent in planning the activities of others.

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  Question
  

Hi Mr. Mardian.
These are my thoughts for your writing. Please, review my notes.

... percentage of people's answer that were(You should omit this conjunction so that here seems a large number of the conjunctions)asked about communication ability ABILITIES which they were needed in their A job in ...

...all of the percentageS were rising while (...) was falling between 1997 and 2006 IN THAT PERIOD. And MOREOVER, ("and" is the conjunction. You needed a linking word) the percentage of all correspondences wasunder seventy five percent.(I have told you previously that you should not mention the number detailed in the overview)

... selling a product or service fell HAD FELL by 3 percent from ...
... with people aspects in 1997 where WHILE the lowest percentage ...

In internal communication TURNING TO FACTORS OF THE INTERNAL COMMUNICATION, all of the percentageS (pay attention to plural and singular) were rising over ...
... carefully to colleagues, REGARDING at 47 percent in (...) or presentations, REPRESENTING at 7 percent in 1997. There was the smallest changed between 1997 ...