Some people believe that team sports are very important for children to succeed in their career

TOPIC: some people believe that team sports are very important for children to succeed in their career, others disagree.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

ANSWER
Nowadays,team sports are a prevailing problem all over the world. Some think that team sports are crucial for the success of children in their career. Meanwhile, other people disagree. I think both opinions have several reasons. This essay will explain them.

On the one hand, team sports are a suitable way to approach thinking skills of children which relate to the success of their career. Team sports support and inspire a deeper knowledge about thinking skills and logical strategies.Therefore, children can bring things which they learn in their team as meaningful experiences in order to achieve their goal. It is obvious that Vietnamese government always encourage children to participate in team sports which help children strengthen the development of thinking skills which are acquired their success. Children have many chances to have a bright future.

However, apart from the benefits of team sports, this have some disadvantage which parents wanna prevent. It is true that Children are not old enough to handle severe problem in their team. Team sports do not always have a cooperation and harmony among members. Therefore, It leads to the competition and discussion of team. Moreover, most children can spend time-consuming task and filter out ideas on their thinking skill to apply for the success of their career. For example, Vietnamese scientists investigated a football team that most member who are children gain a bit experiences and misunderstand together without the guidance of adult.

In conclusion, team sports play important role for the knowledge which serve the success of children in their career. However, this way have some drawback for them.

You introduction paraphrase is not exactly accurate, it does not convey the same meaning. Try to paraphrase the question statement for example you could say: While team sports are considered by many to be imperative for better career prospects for children, others consider them to be insignificant.

Your language seems inaccurate in developing you idea ... for instance ✘ approach thinking skills.. ✔ develop cognitive abilities
You need to improve your idea development and mention more relevant and specific examples
You need to show your opinion more clearly in the introduction and the conclusion

overall, your essay reached a proper length, however, I think that it has a structure problem. According to Holt (he gave me lots of comments and one of them might be reasonable right now), DISCUSS BOTH VIEWS AND GIVE YOUR OPINION means you need to interpret 2 sides of the issue in 2 body paragraph and then next to a paragraph that show off your idea. The 2 former paragraphs should be explained in the objective position.

Moreover, I suggest you that after you give an example, you should conclude what you draw from it or at least try to make it clearer. I was confused when I read and try to understand your idea.

The discussion instructions are to compare the 2 public points of view, explain it to the reader, then offer a personal opinion in relation to each viewpoint. Your essay neither identifies a personal or public point of view in the presentation. Yes, there is an existing comparison, however, it is generalized in presentation. There are no clear demarcations between the public pronoun usage and the first person pronoun usage. Each of which is used to clarify the comparison discussion in every paragraph. Without it, the essay does not follow the proper discussion format nor does it present the points of view in a manner that is reflective of the discussion requirements.

"Think" is a term that indicates you are not sure of the opinion you are presenting in the discussion. This means, you do not have a clear opinion to provide based on a personal point of view. Expect to lose points for your lack of clarity in that particular scoring consideration. The conclusion is problematic. It fails to reflect the previous discussion points and reiterate your personal point of view. It should have at least 3 sentences in it to properly reflect the required elements.