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There is no doubt that children can learn about cooperation via team sports

forielts 4 / 8  
Dec 2, 2018   #1

cooperation through team sports

the best way to teach children to co-operate is though team sports at school, to what extent do you agree or disagree?

My essay:

It is said that the most effective means of educating young generation about cooperation is by team sports. Although it is true that children can be benefited from it, there are other methods to teach them with collaboration.

By playing sports in a group. children are able to learn how to find their role in a group in order to achieve success. As sport games are usually played by considerable number of people, it is unlikely for one person to compete with other teams and win the game. Children who are in the team have to work with teammates together, discovering everyone's advantages and helping with each other to win. The awareness of cooperation that children gain from team sports can be applied on other sides of their life.

Nevertheless, there are also other approaches to help the youth to learn co-operate.First, they can learn collaboration by doing team projects in school system. This kind of projects always assign people with different tasks. For example, some projects may require students to make a short video, so team members will need to decide who is going to write the script or who is going to edit the film. If people in the group cannot finish their own duties on time, a delay will be cause which will have an adverse impacts on the whole process. Second, team study can be an alternative for children to learn cooperation. Due to the limitation of their minds, it is difficult for children to finish school assignments on their own. Studying in a group enables children to gain new ideas of the homework from their classmates, which will contribute to achieve higher score.

In conclusion, there is no doubt that children can learn about cooperation via team sports. However, I would argue that may other ways can be accepted to teach them with cooperating as well.
Hawkeye967 2 / 1  
Dec 2, 2018   #2
The IELTS writing task requires 4 parameters to be fulfilled, namely,

1. Task Completion
2. Coherence and Cohesion
3. Lexical Resource
4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy

I believe you've partially fulfilled the first parameter, but the remaining 3 fall short of required expectations from an examiner's standpoint. There are several instances of improper grammatical structures, lack of proper punctuations, etc., which make reading your essay harder. This obscures your content, directly affecting the first parameter as well. You may run your essay through a grammar checking software online, observe the mistakes you make, and improve in that direction. Look up sample IELTS essays as well to get a gist of what thesis statements should look like.

Also, I believe you've exceeded the word limit by a large margin. IELTS doesn't particularly have one, but a lengthy essay with redundant information doesn't score you extra points. Try keeping the essay brief.
OP forielts 4 / 8  
Dec 3, 2018   #3
Thanks for your advice, but I would like to know which sentences as you refer to be improper grammatical structures or lack of punctuations?
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,648 4752  
Dec 3, 2018   #4
Nicoel, you are confusing your English words. You need to brush up on your English vocabulary due to your tendency to confuse similar sounding words that have different meanings. The term. "be cause" normally has the connecting word "the" in between to connote the result of an action (ex. ... a delay will be the cause which will... ). When using the word "because", that word is used to introduce a word or phrase that stands for a clause expressing an explanation or reason (e.g. It is because of that reason...).

It appears that you have written a very long essay in an effort to show off your English vocabulary and sentence structure skills. The problem is that you did not discuss the given topic as required so the long essay did not serve any purpose. You failed the test right from the start. The basis of your failure is as follows:

Prompt Question: .. to what extent do you agree or disagree?
Discussion Response: .. there are other methods to teach them with collaboration.

Since you are not offering a measured opinion of your response to the question and are instead, discussing a prompt topic of your own design, you will be considered to have discussed a totally unrelated topic, scoring a 1 in the TA section because of it. Therefore, your whole essay has failed to pass the test. If you do not discuss the required topic, then you have shown that you lack English comprehension skills and as such, cannot be considered for academic learning in an English based curriculum.
OP forielts 4 / 8  
Dec 3, 2018   #5
Thank you for your corrections. As for the TA section, will it be better if I change the article to:

(introduction) It is said that ... team sports. Although it ... from it, I do not agree with this idea as many other approaches can achieve the goal as well.

(paragraph 3)Despite the potential benefit talked above, I would argue that playing team sports is one option instead of being the best because there are also many other ways to help the youth learn co-operating.First, ...

Or, another structure of the essay:
1.talk about advantages of team sports have on children cooperation.
2.talk about disadvantages of team sports may bring to children cooperation.
3. give other approaches to teach children with learning cooperate.
conclusion: Although it is true that children can be benefited from it, I do not agree with the idea that team sports are the ideal way to teach children with cooperation.

How do you think?
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,648 4752  
Dec 3, 2018   #6
Neither approach is correct because the prompt is asking for a measured response to the question. The proper reference for your response should be indicated in the following forms (but are not limited to this presentation alone)

I completely agree/disagree
I totally agree /disagree
I agree / disagree with reservations
I consider myself in full support / not in full support of
I would consider only partially supporting an agreement/ disagreement

... and other variations thereof. Always remember that the prompt instruction will include a clear instruction regarding your discussion pattern in the essay. In this case, it is a 4 paragraph measured response essay. It is not a simple agree/disagree essay. The discussion for this essay is based on a strong personal opinion, experience, or understanding of the given topic. That is why you are being asked to figuratively quantify your agreement or disagreement with the discussion. It is only after you properly assess the discussion requirements of the essay that you can begin to formulate the proper supporting reason paragraphs. After properly assessing the essay discussion requirements, you can use either structure one or two for the reasoning paragraphs. Not before then.

I I don't advise you to post a new version of the essay based on the same prompt. The admin will consider that multiple postings on the same topic and delete the new / additional essay. It could lead to the eventual banning of your account. You will need to pick a new topic to discuss that uses the same discussion instruction instead.

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